You saw the TIME magazine cover in the last 24 hours, right? Me, too. In the midst of 25 patients yesterday, moms and dads weren’t really talking about it in the office. It was in my inbox. But I hear and feel and witness the anxiety/angst we all swim around in every day as we compare parenting styles and essentially swap (pacifier) spit about how best to do this. The monogram of this parenting era is the quest for perfection. The epic win that’s constructed for us is built on prevailing over the rest. It’s not about juggling it all anymore, it’s about being tough enough to do it better than your peers. TIME magazine wants us to contemplate if we’re really “Mom Enough?”
Before you know it, you’ll be 13 decisions down the road wondering why you worried so much about what you did. You’ll care even less about what you called it. Of anything I hear over and over again from parents ahead of me on the road it’s this: “I simply wish I worried less about my choices.”
It’s a mom-eat-mom world right now and the media wants us perpetually navel-staring. Doubt sells magazines, pageviews, and books. I saw moms post opinions on Facebook this morning only to quickly take them down as they got too controversial. We’ll keep questioning ourselves and our decisions as TIME takes a supermodel, airbrushes her body and paints the cover the magazine with a provocative image for Mother’s Day. This article, this cover, this timing–this is the engineering of our age. The dinosaurs once ruled the planet—now it’s the voices online.
Your motherhood, your parenthood, your decisions. You know what? Of course, they’re Mom Enough…
The cover really isn’t really about breast feeding but I’ll bite. In my opinion, the decision regarding what day to stop breast feeding is one that resides between only two people: a child and a mother. As a infant matures and develops coordination, independence, and new autonomy by 1 year of age they are able to self-feed, eat and enjoy solids, and drink from a sippy or regular cup. When this occurs, the necessity for breast feeding diminishes. Yet who am I to dictate the time to stop? As a pediatrician, it’s simply not my job as there isn’t a lot of science defining “the right” deadline. And that’s the exquisite gift that Dr William Sears gave us with attachment parenting. He took the brillance of Dr Spock and pushed a bit farther—he said we could and should attach ourselves to our babies when possible, nurture them with intimacy, and enjoy it.
Yum. I’ll take a bit of that, too.
Trouble is for the working moms and the moms with multiple responsibilities, 100% attachment parenting is challenging, onerous, and fills us with anxiety when we feel we fall short.
The task for all of us then –with any parenting style– is to moderate, to pick and chose the pieces and suggestions we like, and leave the others behind. The real win as mothers and fathers in 2012 may be to find the middle road briskly and then live in it, instead of around it constantly questioning it.
The movement to bully moms or have moms evangelize what they do (like the aim of the TIME cover) is far from helpful. Especially as we plan our weekend to celebrate the most extraordinary gift in our lives: the privilege of becoming a mom.
We don’t have data to suggest any scarring to children who enjoy prolonged breast feeding into their preschool years. The contrary maybe: some breast feeding advocates collect information about nutritional benefits for nursing past 12 months.
Point is: parenting doesn’t have to feel like this. The pulse of our response (whatever yours is) to the image of a gorgeous model nursing her near 4 year-old really isn’t so much about attachment parenting or not, breastfeeding past infancy or not, swaddling or not, peas before carrots or not–the pulse to this cover and the viral mommy war and guilt that ensues is about much more. It’s really about the ongoing construct that the media has created to have us believe that this tension/this discourse/this doubt/this mommy “war” is what parenting should feel like.
Turn off the computer, throw out the books. Enjoy the choices you’ve made and move on. Bear witness to the ultimate luxury of life: the gift of your child.
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Stephanie says
You are so right. Thank you for sticking up for moms of all kinds!
What disappoints me also about this article is the negativity about breast feeding. Calling breast feeding a toddler extreme does not help promote breast feeding in general. Breast feeding infants is an important health goal we need to work on improving as a nation. We need to work towards normalizing it in our culture.
Caissg says
Good summation. Parenting is not a competition. Parenting is Love. And love between a parent and child is their own business. It is this type of media hype that makes over zealous breastfeeding parents and they forget to just enjoy the gift of a child. Breastfeeding requires milk and what happens when there is lack of milk despite medications?
Missy says
The thing that bothers me about the cover most is that the little boy didn’t have a choice to be photographed, and doesn’t know better the controversy that will ensue over this. And they made no point to hide his face. I’m hoping this is just her 15 minutes of fame and it will blow over — for her son’s sake.
The thing we should realize is some women can’t breastfeed for health reasons and should not feel any guilt whatsoever about that. I’m thankful there are good formula options for those of us in that category. My son is one healthy, active, bright little boy. And every time I bottle fed my son, he wrapped his little hand around my pinkie finger as I held his bottle and he gazed into my eyes while I sang to him, talked to him, nuzzled him in our private moments — can’t tell me formula-fed babies don’t have the same bond as breastfed babies to their mothers.
In all, I totally agree with your view — just live and let live; parent and let parent. Parenting is tough enough and all this controversy does nothing to benefit our children; it can only divide them and categorize them even further. Throw out the books and go with your mommy instincts!
Hannah says
I know you just said “throw out the books”…
but I am looking for a book about infant development (I’m at 34 weeks) and not sure where to turn. Many of the books do seem “judgy” or like you have to follow one particular philosophy, such as attachment parenting.
Is there a book that really presents info about an infant’s first year or so without hype, judginess, or scare tactics?
Joy says
I buy most of my friends who are first time parents the book, How to Have Your Second Child First, https://www.amazon.com/Have-Your-Second-Child-First/dp/0811869881. It is a good middle of the road, somewhat light-hearted book by two Seattle parents that puts a lot about parenting into perspective. From time saving tips like change your child’s diaper on a mat on any level of your house instead of running up to their changing pad for every dirty diaper to big picture ideas, I feel like it is a wide scope to help parents (especially first time parents) not take themselves so seriously.
Lori Taylor says
I’ve used the Dr. Sears The Baby Book and actually did find it rational and non-judgy. If you read what he writes, and not how other people interpret it, it seemed pretty helpful. A friend got it for me and it has been my go to book. I do like what Attachment Parenting is trying to do, so perhaps I was always going to find that book helpful. Still he seems a lot more willing to allow for the fact that what he suggests is what he’s observed with his kids and his practice, but that it might not work for all kids in all situations than the more rabid followers of his are willing to do.
Stacey says
Hannah: I’m at Week 36 (*high five*) and found “Baby 411” to be extremely helpful/reassuring. Many of my friends swear by it…I’m sure it will be dog-eared within the next few months.
Danielle says
Hannah – in our house, we loved Penelope Leach’s _Your Baby and Child_. It’s a bit old-school, very non-judgmental and spends way more time just simply talks about development. Very rational and actually makes you feel pretty reassured about where you are in each stage.
Ted Leng says
Hannah: for one of the most objective books, my wife and I read, Heading Home with Your Newborn: From Birth to Reality, by
Laura A. Jana MD FAAP and Jennifer Shu MD FAAP. It’s a book by the American Academy of Pediatrics and it worked well for us. Congrats on your imminent arrival. It’s going to be fun!
Michael Wosnick says
Very well spoken and defensible.
My problem with this cover lies elsewhere. Everyone is talking about the rights of the moms to breast feed or not etc. That should not even be a debate.
But who is talking about the rights of a 3- or 4-year old who is potentially now going to be held up to ridicule because his mommy didn’t care enough to protect his identity. Mom may have a cause, and she might not care how she “exposes” (pun intended) that cause, but this is an innocent kid who for sure had no say in having his face plastered around the world in a way that might bring him grief, embarrassment and ridicule for the rest of his life.
Mom could have insisted that the photo did not show his face to the world. The point could have been made just as well without sacrificing the kid to the mom’s agenda.
To me this is unacceptable exploitation of an innocent child and why aren’t we up in arms about THAT?
Karen says
Whether I’m enough of a mother to parent correctly is likely not anyone’s concern. However I believe my best parenting choices were founded on love for my children—selflessly. With each passing decade I’ve learned most every worry or concern was resolved by instinctual trust in self, some facts and time, and unceasing patience. Clearly not by an endless chase seeking yet more information or another opinion.
Happy Mother’s Day,
Darling Daughter the Doctor.
You are doing unquestionably fine.
Sunny Alexander says
I’m an “oldie” with children in their 50s and adult grandchildren. I was discouraged from breast feeding, it was thought to be “barbaric”. I remember making formula from scratch and sterilizing the bottles. During childbirth we were medicated and left alone. Okay, this was 50 years ago, and I think it’s a good thing to see how we far we have progressed. The only book available was Dr. Spock and when I realized that my daughter wasn’t following any of the usual time-tables of development, I thought, Hmm…maybe I know more her than Dr. Spock. I did continue to refer to him for information on illnesses etc. I viewed her as an individual and I let her guide me. I have had relatives who have breast fed their children until they are five and others like myself who didn’t breast feed at all. No doubt, the “formula” given by nature has to be better than the best of man made formula. But let us not judge! It’s the end product that counts: the love we show our children whether we are breast or bottle feeding. The values we instill by demonstrating our love and acceptance of others without judgement. I wanted one thing from my children; that they turn out to be good people. Bingo!
Dad and Buried says
Well said!
The one positive result of this cover photo controversy is the increasining emergence of parents who realize that there is NO SUCH THING as the “right way to parent.” there is only the way that works for you.
I started my blog intending to write about the struggle between being a parent and staying a person – an interesting, well-rounded, still-occasionally drunk person – but it has started to become about the struggle against the Other Parent. The nosy, judgmental, obnoxious Other Parent who thinks they have all the answers. There ARE NO answers. There is only trial and error. We’re all flying blind. Sometimes we make mistakes. So be it.
Everyone needs to chill out and stop worrying about what the Other Parent thinks of their parenting skills. And we need to remember that TIME is trying to sell magazines and start controversy. Mission accomplished. But thanks to posts like these, the reasonable parents among us can avoid becoming collateral damage in the so-called parenting wars.
Rita Dichtel says
I just noticed that the photo of the Seattle Mama doc looks very similar to the photo of the woman on the Time magazine cover. I am sure it’s a different person but at first I was a bit surprised by the similar hairstyles.
Tracie says
Oh boy! I know this mother is well intentioned…and I am glad to see she believes in the health benefits of breast feeding…but I think she also forgot about this poor child’s mental health. I foresee him in highschool and finding this TIME magazine cover posted all over the school. Not sure what is worse…being bottle fed or being the brunt of every joke for the rest of your life.
Kali Sakai says
Great summary! TIME knew exactly which topic and photo would get people all riled up. I’m just wondering why motherhood/parenthood now sometimes feels competitive. What do you think changed?
Kathy says
Great summary and rational perspective WSS.
I think the majority of the “parenting wars” is due to the media, like TIME. There are very few parents, in my world at least, who really seriously debate these issues in real life with friends and family. Most of us recognize these are personal and family decisions and what works for one may or may not work for another. Really, what was their point?
And I agree with pps who objected to the mom not maintaining the boy’s anonymity. How many times will he be reminded of this (and teased) as he grows up?
Emily says
Many of these responses point out that some moms are unable to breastfeed because of supply issues or medical reasons. I think it’s also significant to emphasize that some moms CHOOSE not to breastfeed. There are a host of reasons that prevent women from breastfeeding, but at the end of the day a mom can elect to simply not breastfeed– and this is okay!
Yes, breast milk is the best, but formulas today are pretty darn good too. I was fortunate enough to be able to nurse my child with no issues, until his weight gain dropped dramatically. We started supplementing with formula, and turns out his failure to thrive was simply a calorie deficit. Once we introduced formula, he became a very diassatisfied nurser, and by seven months, we attempt to nurse for form, but there’s really no yield. The part of my brain hanging onto the ritual isn’t because this part of our relationship is ending, but intead is fueled by feeling that in today’s mommy wars, I still have something to prove. Intellectually I know it’s okay to step back and say we gave it a good run. In fact, I firmly believe if a mom chooses not to breasfeed it’s HER choice to make, and one that should be supported. Yet here I sit, waiting for sweet baby to awake and give it a go at nursing.
ML Gonzalez says
The whole issue of breastfeeding strikes a cord with me in a different manner because I wasn’t able to breastfeed my child. And I had many voices from different sources telling me how formula was a dirty word and I needed to try this…and this…and this…and this to make my milk come in, and how it was vital for my baby’s growth (he was premature by 3 wks & only 4.9 lbs) This chorus, combined with “new mom-dom” and recovering from the C-section was so draining. Looking back, I don’t know how I coped. (I have a FABULOUS husband & family)
I can’t tell you how often during the 1st month I held my son and cried because I felt I was failing him.
Finally, my dear dear dear mother came in and took me by the shoulders and said “Enough”! She said that it wasn’t my fault, I had tried all that I could, and she could stand to see the pressure I was putting on myself, and that my child would be just fine on formula. It was like the world was lifted off my shoulder. And he is fine and has grown big and strong and beautiful.
This perception that those mothers that don’t breastfeed are less than others than those that do needs to stop. We, as women and mothers, need to stop this competition that seems to be very much alive and well, between ourselves. We all, for the most part, are doing the best possible jobs that we can. There should be no judgement passed on those that decided to, or in my case have to, feed their baby formula. I REFUSE to let any other woman, or man, for that matter try to make me feel bad for not breastfeeding my child! Its not a status thing to breastfeed…its a beautiful bonding ritual between a mother & child. That must be remembered. For those that are….Stop making it a political statement! And stop trying to condescend to those that do not!