Today my heart is stuck in my typical quarterly crisis about how I’m spending time on earth. Each goodbye with the boys leaves me a bit emptied. I planned to write about kids’ check-ups and health insurance today, which I will do– but tomorrow, because my heart is here:
Whenever the boys leave (for school, off for the day with Grandma, etc) I still always feel I’m without one of my limbs…
— WendySueSwanson MD (@SeattleMamaDoc) February 22, 201
4
It’s becoming more obvious to me that the current work-life-balance crisis I’m swirled up in (or smashed into) was triggered by the recent deaths of 2 people I loved, a delicious movie about connection and time, the juxtaposition in watching Jimmy Fallen express love for his Winnie just a minute before Will Smith mentioned everyone’s art could be used to enhance lives, and a voice in me that’s getting louder and louder. I’m hearing the echoes of this voice in almost everything I do right now. Yes I desperately want to work to improve children’s health. Yes I desperately want to witness my life. The gist of the echoes are urging me to consider how I carve out time for mindfulness and unhurried time with the boys. Over the last 24 hours I also read two articles, “Recline! How ‘Leaning In’ is Killing Us” and “Clinging to Each Other, We Survived the Storm” and I knew I could sit quietly no longer. (pssst, read those articles)
Work Life Balance Is A Moving Target
I always say that work life balance with growing children is a moving target. All of the sudden its clear I’ve encountered a shift; the target seems to have moved 3 feet. I’m in love with my boys more than ever before and work is requiring more than I can remember. Also, I just feel very thankful to be alive.
First things first: winter causes us to hunker down, particularly here in the Pacific Northwest where we see less of each other and more of the walls of our homes. We dodge the rain, we go to work before it’s light out and return home to our babies after the sun has deeply set. All this coexisting in the dark can cause us to be misdirected and go mad as winter urges us to focus on being productive. The seasons are relevant but can be tumultuous.
Wasn’t it The Dixie Chicks who said, “can I handle the seasons of my life?”
For me what’s been most defining about this winter is that it feels very much caught in the middle. Despite the excitement about my book, new roads we’re plowing with technology here at the hospital, the delicious developments in my boys, my heart has been a bit heavier than before. “Just another Mama pushing 40,” a newspaper reporter described me recently. It’s true, I’m just a few months shy of my 5th decade yet I never would have said I’m pushing anything really. Until December.
I lost two people in my life in very short succession at the end of 2013. One was a functional father to me and one a dear friend. He died very suddenly and she died slowly of invasive cancer. He helped launch me into adulthood, unquestionably inspiring my career in medicine. She showed me how to be less serious, she demonstrated the value of funny, and she elegantly articulated the privilege it is to live a courageous life. Since losing both of them every day is different for me. The holidays were spattered with intrusive discovery.
I learned that finality is like a wall on the edge of the universe — something to knock on where no one is listening on the other side.
And so this winter it has become abundantly clear, amidst all the new things that happen every day, that middle age is not defined numerically. Turning 40 has absolutely nothing to do with this particular gasp or quandary in my lifetime. In fact middle age for me is distinctly defined by loss. Losing those ahead of me and those right at my side all at once brings focus to the margins. Every time I look to the margins, or the middle, all I see are my boys and my husband.
The moment is now.
In my mind it is exceptionally clear that work must be a part of my days. But I am also continually reminded right now that this is golden time. With the boys at 5 and 7 years of age they are magically alive, spilling over with learning and reflection, sharing and emoting, and reaching out for us every day. This winter it has become very clear that death looms for us all at some point (ah ha) and that these absolutely magical days with our children will never be offered up exactly as they are right now.
What to do about my looming “crisis” is not entirely clear. But it’s becoming obvious to me that working part of every single day of the week and weekend is no longer tolerable. Somehow I’ve got to make room for a day, every single week, where I can freely drop my children off at school, exercise, meet with friends, and carve out space for creativity and quiet. I know I’ll be a better physician, a better agent for change, and a clearer voice if I do. We all learn as children that nothing is set in stone; a sentence sent from a friend yesterday urges me on, “Wendy Sue…we all know life is no dress rehearsal and the moment is now.”
What will your moment be?
Doc says
Amen! Studies (which, of course, I haven’t read) show that part-time work is virtually the only way to prevent physician burnout. I am a family doctor, and for various reasons have worked part-time for the past 4 years. Every so often the discussion of female doctors ‘doing their part’ comes up and I have to resist feeling guilty. I know that 3 10 hour days is the right choice for me. And I’ve just entered the parenting world (my baby is 3 weeks old), so I know I’ll have a whole new learning curve of work-life balance to negotiate.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Congratulations on the birth of your baby! Enjoy this amazing time
Ora M. Roberts says
I again salute you for this latest revelation, and for sharing it with us. I have worked too much since I was 5 (yes, I was severely abused as a child). About 5 years ago, I had another life-threatening illness. By choice, I haven’t worked full-time since then. I’ve had the luxury to be supported financially by my husband. I’ve had the luxury to have time for peace and quiet, solitude, reflection, and even reading the words on my toaster! (Who knew it had a bagel setting?) I’ve been able to reconnect with high school friends, nursing school classmates, and neighbors. I’ve been able to read a book each week–the weeks when I chose to stay off FB. I’m now writing my first book, and planning to enter a PhD program, this fall. This has been the best 5 years of my life–so far! I plan to not ever retire, and I also plan to continue to take more periods of time off–in between jobs–to rekindle my personal flame.
Lindsey Mead says
Oh, my – I relate to this with an intensity that’s almost eerie. I’m also staring 40 in the face and also trying to balance the incompatible ever-fiercer attachment to my children with an ever-more-demanding work life. I’m so glad to have read this. Thank you. xox
Korenne G says
I was actually wondering how you do all that you do and stay sane. 🙂 I have also been struggling with work-life balance and this makes me feel a little better and more focused about the changes I need to make.
I know it can not replace the time you would have liked to spend with your own boys, but know that the time you’ve spent with other people’s children and the care you’ve shown them is very much appreciated!
Emily Gibson, M.D. says
Wendy Sue,
I’m 20 years down the mothering/doctoring road from where you are now and I encourage you to listen to your “inner mom” as you realize the pull on you is too much and you need to let go of something while still managing to stay upright.
You are a little more than a decade away from your boys moving on into their adult lives, beyond your reach. It is gone in a flash, I can assure you. They will remember what you did with them, how you told them stories and sang them songs and how good it felt for them to know you were there no matter what.
The professional and media world, as important as is your healing work with others, is less loyal and has a much shorter memory than your children.
Long ago I chose part time doctoring and full time mothering. Yes, that adds up to more than 24 hours, but my children and I now have no regrets.
And, at almost 60, with our children marrying and off to the far corners of the earth, my husband and I are rediscovering each other in new ways, enhancing our professional commitments, as well as devoting time to service to others within the role of faith in our lives.
As you said, this and the decade to follow, is your golden family time. You are right to decide to do whatever it takes to protect it and protect yourself.
Blessings to you in all you do for parents and children in the world, but most of all for your own parenting and children. Emily
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thank you. Always so thankful for all of your comments here over the years. I always re-read them…
Jerry says
Hi, SMD.
I don’t think the dilemma you describe ever ends or is resolved. It just assumes different forms, and we (hopefully) do our best to figure it out for that time.
I think the Buddha said it best. “Life is tough, and then you die. And then you come back.”
I’m also trying to figure out work/life balance in the context of my role as an end of life clinician whose spouse has early onset Alzheimer’s. I’ll let you know if I come up with anything ;^)
Glad to have found your blog.
Thanks, Jerry
Alicia says
I read your blog for medical info but also for the authentic narrative of your life as a mother and MD. You notice the grace that seems ever-present in your journey and I find that really inspiring, no matter what your choices. Thanks for keeping us posted on all of it!
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thanks, Alicia. This is so nicely put.
Roni Zeiger says
Wendy Sue, thank you for being who you are and for working at doing so more and more intentionally.
A related thought in the context of having an even bigger impact as a result of drinking more deeply from your children — you will help guide them to becoming more thoughtful people who, in turn, will be able to better contribute to our world.
Hallie Sawyer says
You are me. I’m 41 and I felt the same need to live in the moment when I turned 40 as well. I still have that feeling and trying my best to overcome the feeling that I’m living my life on a hamster wheel.
I recently signed up for Katie Den Ouden’s Skinny Dip Society Immersion program to help me overcome my Groundhog’s Day syndrome. Life seems to be whooshing by and I really want to slow things down. We are in the prime of our lives, I think, and smarter than ever! Savoring the moments with our kids should be our priorities and living our lives to the fullest extent is not only great for our souls but we also model a meaningful life for our kids.
I look forward to reading more about your thoughts as you begin this new phase of your life! Forty is pretty awesome, by the way. 🙂
Michele R. says
Say it Mama! can fully relate to this and recently read those same two articles. taking on new challenges in work definitely throws your balance off. I’m also so sorry for your personal losses. I tend to focus on a mantra for a few days or weeks at a time. Often I circle back to things like: one day at a time; now is the time; life is a journey not a destination. I’ve added a new this week – it came from my running coach actually – you define yourself. for me, strong relationships with family and friends and coworkers are one of the best ways to help stay grounded. now i should shut my computer off and head home to my daugher!
Emily Kramer-Golinkoff says
I don’t have any answers or experience to offer, but I do have faith in your instincts. Listen to your gut. Being the best, most fulfilled and internally peaceful person you can be will make you the best mom and doctor and citizen and do-gooder and human being you can be. At the end of the day, that’s what your family and this world need most–the best you.
Viki says
First, my sincere condolences for your loss. We are forewarned that we will start to lose our elders. That’s a signal we’re the grownups. I’m so grateful to have my parents despite their medical concerns reading like an index of geriatric maladies. Losing peers and siblings is harder for me. A few months after I lost my sister, a friend lost her husband. They had five young children. I had two “worked examples” of how cancer is ruthless, cruel, and has no regard for whether you’ve finished your important work on earth.
My “moment” occurred in mid 2009 when I was complaining to my sister. I was going on about work and how draining it was, how much it sucked to return from maternity leave to 1,000 unread emails. She said, “there are many ways to live a good life. You just have to love the one you are living.” It was a wonderful moment of clarity from someone facing down a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
Work/life balance is a balance between the future and the present. How much time/effort amI putting into shaping my future? (taking product to market at work, remodeling the kitchen, saving for kids education, buying new car) And how much time/effort am I putting into the present? (getting to the gym, visiting family out East, returning personal phone calls, eating dinner with the family, spending time with my husband, seeing friends, playing with kids, joining PTA, volunteering in classroom, volunteering to coach, be a scout leader, be room mom, teach Sunday school.) What I noticed that the “future” stuff took up so much of my time and effort that I declined, postponed, and made excuses for most of the “present” stuff.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thank you.
Mark Merkens, MD says
Life Balance is not a MidLife issue but, in fact, a life-long consideration. Also for “65 or better.” Probably till The End. Thus sayeth a Pediatrician.
Jill B Roark MPH says
I leaned out today. It was incredible. It’s what allowed me the time to read the last several posts you published 🙂
My 5 year old son was home sick for the third day in a row. Luckily I’ve had two incredibly productive days working my full time job from home. I normally telework 3 days/week so I’m practiced at getting a lot done while at home. But today we leaned out. We made Easter eggs. We even went to the store for a second dozen where my son told everyone what we were doing. A grandmotherly women told us that she had even more fun than her kids when she dyed eggs with them 30+ years ago. I agree. Long after my son had left the kitchen, I was finishing up some pretty amazing eggs, including a rainbow version I’ve wanted to make for as long as I can remember. We also took a 2 hour nap together, in my son’s new big-boy bed, surrounded by stuffed animals and Toy Story characters. The dog even came in and cuddled with us for a while. It was delicious, amazing, and wonderful. We created tremendous memories today.
My son is going back to school tomorrow and I have a couple of very intense days in the office waiting for me. And a very intense bootcamp workout planned for tomorrow morning. But over the next few days I also have a date with a girlfriend to attend a fundraiser, a date with my husband to go to a crawfish and music festival, and a “date” with Disney Dining to secure a reservation in 180 days for dinner at Cinderella’s castle that is going to blow my son’s mind when we go. I’ll be leaning in, out, and probably to the side a few times to yawn out of sight. I redefining balance to be something that is constantly moving, not static.
Lisa says
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog posts about work-life balance, which finally lead me to read your book. I am so glad that I did. I have 3 young kids and have struggled with loving 2 jobs – mom and pediatrician – and wanting to do both well. There are days when I am overflowing with the joy of being a pediatrician and others when I fantasize about staying at home. Some of that depends on circumstances at home or work, but as you so adeptly brought up, many of my self-critiques come from comments by others or another person’s situation. Thanks for being so candid. It was encouraging! If we were in the same state, I think we would be good friends!