We survived one of the biggest tantrums of all time in June. At the Oakland, California airport check-in of all places. Did you happen to hear about it? I literally had to physically hold and restrain my son from running off into moving traffic. The tantrum caused for lots of staring and avoidance. It does feel like judgment sometimes, which only makes us feel worse. In a low moment, I explained to my 3 year-old that he was acting like an animal. I got progressively more and more embarrassed and progressively more and more frustrated. It was one of those moments we never expect and have a hard time forgetting. The forgiving, that comes easy. Have you read the book, How Do Dinosaurs Say I Love You? That helps, too.
Same thing happened this weekend. I missed a meeting when I got stuck in a tornado-like tantrum and spent a big part of the weekend trying to optimize ways to support my son to avoid tantrums. When it comes to tantrums, we all know we’re supposed to calm down, but it’s difficult to say the least. Our children find all of our hidden buttons and can escalate rapidly. You can’t avoid every tantrum, but some ideas to help you survive them more gracefully:
8 Tips To Survive A Tantrum
- Giving your child enough attention and “catch them being good.” Provide specific praise in successful moments. However, don’t feel that if one child tantrums more than another that you aren’t providing enough attention. Personality is infused in behaviors, including tantrums.
- During a tantrum give your child control over little things (offer small, directed choices with options rather than Yes/No questions).
- Distraction. Move to a new room. Offer a safer toy. However silly, sing a song.
- Choose your battles and accommodate when you can. Sometimes you have to give in a little to settle yourself; that’s okay. However, your consistency from day to day is key in reducing the level and frequency of tantrums. So is time. Although most tantrums happen in 1 to 3 year-old children, many children continue to tantrum into the school years.
- Know your child’s limits. Obviously, some days are harder than other days. Sometimes we don’t get to finish the TO-DO list. Yesterday someone tweeted me that Mars was in retrograde. Now I know why it was so miserable…
- Do not ignore behaviors like hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing. Have a zero tolerance policy.
- Set your child up for success. If tantrums peak when they are hungry, have a healthy snack with you when you’re out of the house. If they peak when your child is fatigued, prioritize sleep/nap time even if you miss things. Sometimes it’s far better on all of us.
- Give yourself a break when you need it. Take turns with another parent or friend when your frustration escalates.
New Insight On Tantrums
New science on the anger trap
Some researchers believe tantrums always follow a specific pattern. Watch this video called The Anatomy Of The Tantrum :
Meagan says
I’m still a little fuzzy on how to define a tantrum. My son is 13 months, we went to visit some family last weekend. While I packed the car, his Mimi held him, and he FREAKED the heck out. She called it a tantrum. Once I took him back, he quieted within a few minutes, but it was another few minutes before he was calm (limp). I suppose it was a tantrum… But I’d call it more separation anxiety, and I don’t really think treating it the way you’d treat a tantrum makes sense? What I do consider closer to tantrums is when he starts to get tired or hungry and demands to be picked up and carried. Then he’ll scream and it’s clear he’s screaming to get what he wants. But what he NEEDS is a nap or a snack, and as soon as we head in that direction, he calms down. Is that really a tantrum, or just a pre-verbal baby/toddler struggling to communicate?
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Well Meagan, I think tantrums are a little bit like this—hard to describe but you’ll certainly know one when you see one.
It certainly does sound like you 13 mo old is displaying separation anxiety. One way he displays his frustration from separation can be a tantrum, but not necessarily.
I think Wiki does a nice job describing a tantrum:
A tantrum (or temper tantrum or tirade or hissy fit) is an emotional outburst, usually associated with children or those in emotional distress, that is typically characterized by stubbornness, crying, screaming, yelling, shrieking, defiance, angry ranting, a resistance to attempts at pacification and, in some cases, violence. Physical control may be lost, the person may be unable to remain still, and even if the “goal” of the person is met he or she may not be calmed. A tantrum may be expressed in a tirade: a protracted, angry, or violent speech.
Mary Peck says
This is very helpful, thank you. I find it difficult to disengage from the tantrum and walk away, but when I do, it helps. That said, my daughter is newly 5 years old and still capable of throwing some big ones. What do you recommend for older kids? At this age, she can obviously talk and understands some logic, but still loses control. Thanks!
(And, long time no see -I’m Grace Peck Beason’s sister- you stayed in my apt during the nyc blizzard!)
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Mary Peck? The Blizzard of 1996 in Manhattan? WOWOWOWOW! SO delightful to hear from you.
My advice doesn’t really change in that it’s consistency, patience, love, and thinking about the stages of a tantrum that help most. However, I get your drift on the truth that tantrums at age 5 are entirely different/complex than tantrums with a 15 month old.
With my 3.5 year old, I spend a lot of time waiting. Walking away. Clarifying expectations and doing my best to set him up for success. Unsuccessful sometimes, of course. And I really do feel that tantrums in older children come in waves where they tantrum heavily for a few days and then calm down–and then the cycle repeats—and often tantrum spells can coincide with stressful changes in their lives.
My advice: make a plan, explain the plan with/to your 5 year-old. Make a verbal (or more formal) contract with your 5 year-old and review it. When she’s in the midst of a fit/tantrum/rage-spell, return to the contract. She likely will have a hard time hearing you, but once the tantrum ends, review where the contract broke down and work together on thinking about how you can both live/fulfill to the contract the next time.
Let me know how it works. And really, Mary, delightful to hear from you. The memory of that night is burned on my brain…
Megan says
Hi Wendy, I’m curious if you have any additional ideas for me. I have a 5.5 y-o and a 2.5 y-o who are both at peak tantrum right now. The 5.5 y-o tends to get physical (hitting & throwing); it’s very overwhelming and hard to shut down. Her behavior sometimes scares her younger sisters (2.5 & 4mos.). At a minimum, her behavior sets a pretty poor example for the 2.5 y-o who I believe would not be yelling & screaming nearly as much if it didn’t seem like the normal thing to do. So I have my own emotional response issues coupled with a need to keep all three kids safe – all of which makes it extra hard to respond optimally in the moment. I am working on having a set pattern of response (or non-response) but still struggle with the physicality of the 5.5 y-o’s behavior. I have not had luck isolating her (she will destroy everything she can lay hands on) or reliably drop everything to physically restrain her. Any thoughts? I have had some luck keeping things calmer by encouraging food & drink more frequently but sometimes that in itself provokes tantrums. Thanks so much.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Megan,
You know, I think the physical burst of anger and aggression when a child is spun up in a tantrum are terribly challenging and taxing. First things first, you’re doing all the right things thinking about your 5 year-old’s safety and protecting your community at home. Balancing the needs for consistency with the need for safety with the need for 3 different children’s requirements is a very complicated dance.
You’re doing the right things.
Isolation often escalates tantrums I’ve found. And if you think about what the article and even video above share it’s that tantrums involve not just frustration but fear, anxiety, and sadness. No wonder isolation often fails to stop a tantrum.
I’d recommend making a verbal/written/pinky-shake contract with your daughter like I explained above in response to Mary. But also I’d make sure you reward your daughter for days where she didn’t tantrum and didn’t do any zero-tolerance behaviors. If all she learns is what you don’t like, she’ll have a difficult time avoiding the larger than life tantrums.
Sometimes when there is a lot of aggression in my son’s tantrums, I think about hiring a parent coach. However 21st century that sounds, many of my patients have reaped HUGE benefits from parent-coaching (from a psychologist usually) even if only for an hour or two. Ask your pediatrician for recs?
A Chow Life says
Hi there,
I’m not sure what you mean by directed choices. Can you explain further? Thanks!
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Hi,
I simply mean instead of asking, “Do you want a snack?” instead ask, “Would you like a banana or a pear?” non-open ended questions may inspire less tension and stress and may provide a needed distraction.
If it doesn’t help, or tantrum is escalating, stop offering solutions…
Emma la Margarita says
Hi Dr. Swanson, my husband and I discuss frequently how to deal with our 2 yr old son’s anger. We’ve pondered that perhaps his instinct to hit at his own mommy when angry or frustrated could mean that he’s just so comfortable and attached that he thinks it’s okay to take everything out on me. Okay, fine, but it’s still not okay to hit anyone, so what do I do besides try to take his hands and say “remember we don’t hit even if we’re really angry” or “I don’t like that, please don’t hit”…?? Will the words work eventually? Same goes for responding to throwing toys just because they won’t do what he wants, throwing food, kicking violently during diaper changes… we’re exhausted. I feel like I do all the “right things” and we still have a very aggressive kid on our hands.
Deana R says
Hi Dr. Swanson, I am having trouble dealing and controlling my almost 7yo daughters tantrums. They can be very frustrating and hard to deal with because she goes full tilt on them. She’ll clench her fists down at her sides, scream at the top of her lungs, cry, hit, throw things, slam doors, etc. I have tried sending her to her room until she is calm, tried talking it out with her and explaining to use her words when she’s upset. I also have two other kids that I have to watch out for during these times because of how bad her meltdowns can get. She has scared her sisters on more than one occasion. I could really use your advice on what I can do. I never thought that her tantrums would continue to last like this until this age. I knew that they were normal at younger ages but to be this bad at almost 7 I just don’t know.
Ryan says
Two tantrum tips:
1. To expand on the directed choices concept – I think of it like trying to make a sale. Just get them saying responding to something, anything. Here’s a real example of questions I would ask my 2 year-old, in this order: “Are you sad”?, “Is it nice to hit your brother?”, “Do you want come back and play”, “are you ready to apologize?”. Sometimes he says NO and goes back to timeout, sometimes he’s calmed down enough by the lead-in questions that he is finally able to apologize; tantrum over.
2. I’ve recorded a couple of tantrums on my phone. When the 2yo starts a tantrum for no apparent reason (I WANTED TO CLOSE THE GARAGE DOOR!) I simply start playback on one of the recordings. About 75% of the time it stops the tantrum cold. No kidding.
Really you just need something to penetrate the emotional insanity. Sometimes it’s calm, directed questions (preferred when the tantrum results from timeout). Sometimes it’s something silly like an iphone video of himself.
Nate says
The best thing I found that works is filming the tantrum. This keeps me calm with the ability to find humor in the situation. We then watch the video right after the outburst together and discuss how it makes us feel. She does not like being filmed during these and this seems to make the stages occur much quicker thus less time spent on the tantrum.
Monica says
We are fresh into tantrums with my daughter, 16 mos. I notice the physical reaction that happens in my own body, heart racing, and it nearly makes me shake and cry. She has always been a really calm baby and a good eater and sleeper, now it seems these attributes are changing. I’ve heard mantras such as, “this too shall pass,” and counting to ten. Do parents have other tips for keeping themselves calm during shrieking tantrums, especially when you are not able to physically leave the room?
Aida Poventud says
Hi
My 4 year old just started having tantrum for the pass 2 weeks at daycare, this is every morning around the same time. He yells, cries and don’t want anyone to touch him. The daycare calls me because they cant calm him down or snap him out of it.
He goes to Pre-k at the big boy school like he call it 2 times a wk. but he only has these tantrums at daycare.
What can i do?
Mithila says
Hi,
“Do not ignore behaviors like hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing. Have a zero tolerance policy.”
Any idea of what should our reply to such behavior such as Hitting; Can we give a suitable punishment then and there? Even with that, what kind of a punishment it should be?