For the last month or so O has woken up every single morning with the same question:
“Is today a Mommy Daddy Day?”
What he means is, “Is this a weekend where I get the day with both of you?”
The answer, less than 2/7 of the time, is unfortunately “No.” And on some level it kills me. I don’t usually only say, “No” when he asks, I usually end up marketing the day. It goes something like, “No, but the great thing is today you get to go to school and you have swimming lessons. Or, “Today you get to go to the zoo with the nanny and make thank you cards. Or, “Today is a Daddy Day!”
It weighs on me. O is extremely attached and has been since day (before) one. I often think about how he’s as attached as I am. F on the other hand adores his independence.
I traveled all week and fortunately mid-week from Florida I face-timed with the boys. It was delicious really, and settled my aching heart in spite of the fact that the first thing O said when he saw my face was, “Come home, Mommy!”
Being a working parent tugs on us in bizarre ways. But it also elevates us. And as I spent the week crossing the country giving lectures, I was reminded of my strong sense of purpose. My need to speak up and improve the world for my children. The need to scream from the roof tops about revolutionizing health communication. I mean what I say and I believe in what I do. And while the boys thrive, this equation of clinical responsibility and working to change health care, works. The only problem is that this week O might have missed me as much as I did him. I would suggest this new reality is not entirely ideal.
I am certain I want every single second I can get with my boys. I am certain I want to change health care. I am certain I want to see patients in clinic. The equation for perfect balance remains elusive. And I know more than anything that there is a struggle for all of us in achieving balance, working outside the home or not. But bear with me as I digress as working-mom.
Two weeks ago I read an article about Sheryl Sandberg (COO at Facebook) mentioning her leadership for working woman. When speaking she apparently tells women to, “‘Keep your foot on the gas pedal’ and aim high.”
Maybe.
A few days ago, a friend wrote an email from 35,000 feet. She’d just left her children to attend a national meeting. Amidst the clouds, she panicked that she wasn’t doing it all right–wondered if she should be working at all. The work she is doing is improving many peoples’ lives, possibly hundreds of thousands. Even so, at the end of the day, her personal contentment is tantamount and the “correct” decision about work and balance resides only within herself. In an email she attached this quote:
It costs so much to be a full human being…One has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to embrace the world like a lover, and yet demand no easy return of love. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying. – Morris West, The Shoes of the Fisherman
It’s in these moments, while reading things like this, I often question the proper way to parent for the future. More than anything, I want the boys content and happy adults. But I also want them to have the tools to live with both arms up and out and open. Ready to help and give in whatever ways they can. But also arms-up & open, ready to enjoy and receive the bounty of living. My formula may look nothing like theirs. And the world will likely be very different 20 years from now for both grown boys and grown girls.
I have no interest in pushing my boys for degrees and Nobel prizes. No need for them to be up early and working late like I am. Just contentment and contribution, however it fits best in their defined future. Often when I write about the struggles of heart for working parents, people point out how strong our example of ethic and work is for our children when we balance these two roles. But how we pass on the need to strive for both integrity and productive work lives by living the way we do and also time for indulgence, self-preservation, and self-care is beyond me…
Tell me what you know. And tell me how you do it.
Balance is moving target. As the boys change and grow, so do their needs as do mine as their mom. When I returned home late this week, I was greeted with glee. Mommy calling cards (see photo), and new songs and tight lasting hugs. O didn’t let go for over a minute. A memory now carved into my amygdala.
I remain excited for my opportunities to contribute to health care and to share what I know while still desperately awaiting my homecomings. And more, I have delighted in the past two mornings where the answer was, “Yes, O, today is a Mommy Daddy Day.”
Emily Gibson says
Wendy, I’m now 32 years into my doctoring career and 26 years (and now three grown children later) into my mothering role. I chose to work half time (as a primary care physician that meant 30-40 hours a week) during most of my children’s upbringing and what made that possible was that we lived a few miles from their grandmother who cared for them when my husband and I couldn’t be home.
Now that our children are three great adults dedicated to helping make the world a better place, I’ve asked them about whether I was around enough for them, as I do have regrets and doubts that I chose the best way. They said no, of course I wasn’t around enough but they didn’t feel neglected or unloved or abandoned. They only wanted more of their mom and dad–such a common human desire. It never seems like enough, even in those families when one parent is home full time.
The compromise my husband and I made was we agreed we would not be gone evenings or weekends unless it was absolutely necessary for our work. We chose lower profile, lower salary positions so we could focus locally, not globally, serving on local boards, volunteering in our community, serving our church family. So we had no extended times away from our children, by choice. Neither of us regret that decision of a quieter professional life.
Their childhood is over in a blink of an eye. I have no idea how those years swept by so quickly, in such a blur. Hold tightly to these moments and these boys of yours. They will be up and gone before you are ready, and then you will have many years of making a difference in health care.
Everyone takes a different path but I can say with assurance that if I’m taken from this earth tomorrow, my legacy is not my published writing or my impact caring for thousands of patients. My legacy is our children who have dedicated their lives to service and someday to their future families.
Blessings to you and the remarkable work you do, but most of all blessings to you as a mom and wife.
No matter what, there will be regrets.
Dr. Bob Uslander says
Great post Wendy, and a very insightful and heartwarming response, Emily. Regrets, yes, we get to choose our regrets. Choose wisely!
Oh, what a balancing act it is, for fathers as well. After being an ER doctor and serial entrepreneur for 15 years I was blessed with another opportunity to do it better, with more intention and awareness– more presence.
Our children were almost 13 and 15 when our little boy Levi came along five years ago. He’s provided much of the inspiration for me to stop straddling the fence and fully immerse myself in following my passion and purpose as a physician and a human being. Levi (and my other two) help me remember that a) there’s nothing more important than being a consistent and loving presence in your children’s lives, and b) we owe it to them to model what it’s like to live an inspired, joyful and meaningful life. Making constant sacrifices and wishing for a better life is not the message I would want my children to build a life from.
It’s not a simple feat to be of service to many at the same time you’re meeting all the needs of your family, but people do it, and do it well, all the time. The most important work we can do is the work it takes to know ourselves well enough to make sure our decisions are in alignment with who we are.
Wendy, it’s not “beyond you” to pass on those ideals. It’s what you’re doing, and I can guarantee without knowing you that your children are going to grow up, like Emily’s and like mine, to be great adults dedicated to helping make the world a better place”.
Thanks for all you’re doing to make the world a better place too!
Dr. Heather Joyce says
Great post and hits close to home! Both my husband and I work full time. I am a pediatric hospitalist, so I work nights, evenings and days. At our house, we have mommy days, daddy days and family days (about 1/7). My 4 year old son asks every night whether or not it is going to be a family day the next day. We try to prepare him for every coming day by explaining who is going to care for him and what he will be doing. I love my job and while I am at work seeing patients, I do not regret my decision to work full time – but, answering that question every night tugs at my hearstrings! I just hope that my boys will see their parent’s working hard and doing what they love, so they can find the same for themselves. Maybe one day I will find a better way to balance my work and home life.
By the way, I love your blog and I would like to listen to you speak some time. How do I find out about your upcoming talks?
Yolanda Wong says
My children are still quite young, but they’ve reached that stage where they observe my actions and lifestyle quite keenly and say things that surprise me with how much they are watching. So I’ve been thinking a lot more lately about integrity in parenting, reassessing how much of what I “teach” them about values is actually exemplified by my own behavior and life. Whether it’s about kindness, generosity, nutrition, or uninterrupted family time, I do think kids ultimately just need to see concrete examples of what we are talking about on a consistent basis. The rest is up to them as they grow older to make good decisions. I’ve found myself imagining what it is I would say to them once they are older about the things that matter, then work on following my own words now before I even have these conversations. One simple example is placing limits on cell phone/computer time. If I expect it of them, then I need to expect it of myself. Work-life balance is a much trickier subject, but in some ways it’s not. No matter what, there are sacrifices made in some area or another. In the end, the question is whether you have remained true to yourself and your values, and whether that is good enough to you irregardless of how it looks on paper or to the rest of the world. When it comes to the issue of work life balance, I would imagine me telling my kids to follow their heart’s passion and make the hard sacrifices to keep to their values, being confident that their success is defined more by who they are than just what they accomplish. So, in essence, that is what I try to model for them in my own way, staying true to myself no matter the mixed messages I get from various social circles in life.
Ultimately, is there really any right answer? Each life and individual is so different. There really is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all balance. What there may be are necessary and unnecessary sacrifices. It’s up to us to figure what the unnecessary ones are for each of us.
Kara Corridan says
Loved this. Makes me feel better that my 3-yr-old isn’t the only one asking every night, “Tomorrow Cynthia comes, or Family Day?”
Heather says
I’d like to propose that the reason “Mommy Daddy Days” are so eagerly anticipated by F and O is that you and the husband do an outstanding job of making those (less than 2 out of 7) days fun, adventurous, educational and loving!
When my kids were in prechool, I worked part-time and we had two “Mommy Days” each week. Those days were made for staying in PJs a little longer, going to parks, playing outside, baking and doing crafts. I miss those days and was lucky enough to have one this past Friday when my kids were on mid-winter break from school. We stayed in our PJs until 10:30, shot hoops, went swimming, played pinball, ate ice cream and went to the pet store (just to look). Yes, we came home with two new fish…I caved as I reveled in a mommy day moment!
Heather says
Excellent Post! When I was reading this, I must say that I felt like I was reading an article that I would have written a year ago…it sounded so familiar. I am a CEO in healthcare, and most of my work requires lectures across the country. Needless to say, it means a lot of travel. For the first year of my daughter’s life, she flew with me – it was practical, because as much as I tried…she never took a bottle! Then, during her second year, I really struggled to maintain “balance.” I would fly one week out of the month, then work from home the rest of the time, with a nanny at the house to take care of my daughter. That way, I could see her as often as I wanted when I was in town working. It was definitely a juggling act, though, because I constantly crammed a 60 hour a week business into 30 hours a week of nanny time so that I could have an abundance of extra free time to spend with my little girl doing mommy/daughter days.
Then everything came to a screeching halt…and while I was in between business trips, the hatch of my SUV fell on my head at Costco. I got a “mild” TBI with post concussive syndrome. That was exactly one year ago, this week. I am still recovering, still unable to drive, still unable to work, and I just now am able to FINALLY take the bus and take care of my daughter on my own. Out of this experience, I have learned many lessons…and I will say this…Every woman’s journey is an individual one, and no mother can possibly tell another mom what is best for her. In my case, I learned that I was out of balance in my desperate attempt to have the “balance” that I thought I was supposed to have as a working mom. I will be a working mom again – soon…but I will do it differently this time. Because now, I have learned what balance really means, and it isn’t “put my foot on the gas and go, go, go” like I used to think. I was the queen of pushing through with bootstraps in hand…many of us working moms are. “Be perfect at work…Be a perfect mom…” I’m grateful that I learned a different way. And now, I can teach what I know to my daughter…perhaps a way to make her learning lessons a little easier in the future.
But again, everyone’s journey is their own…this is just mine.
Caroline says
Wendy,
Love your blog, love this post. As a young mother (to an adorable and very busy 17 month old) and general pediatrician, I am so grateful for your honest posts about the struggles of figuring out the work-life balance.
Have you read the book “Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood?” I find it validating and comforting to read about other’s sharing the same struggles and the solutions that work for them.
While cliche, I do truly believe that my time in clinic gives me fulfillment that makes me a happier person and a better mother, but still when my child looks at me saying “mama stay” with tears streaming down his face and holding his little chubby arms up toward me, it is pure torture and makes me question walking out the door every time (thankfully he only cries and begs me to stay once or twice a month).
And I also realize that I put a lot of pressure on myself to make every moment count (both at the office and at home). And the pressure is not only to parent well, but to enjoy every moment of it (as unrealistic as most of us that are “in the trenches” realize that this is, still, we hear it all the time “Enjoy these days, they grow up so quickly”). Glennon Melton summed up this phenomenon beautifully in this piece for the Huffington post.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
Also, a bit off topic, but I have been wanting to find out if you have read the book “The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development” by Harvard Psychologist Richard Weissbourd. Fascinating read!
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Caroline,
Thanks for the wonderful suggestions and for providing a greater sense of community! I did read Glennon Melton’s post…and I can’t tell you how many people have sent it my way. She certainly is ressonating!!
Will look into the two books you suggest. The titles alone draw me in. If only there were time to read all of the things we’d all like.
Caroline says
Dr. Swanson,
I stumbled across your blog while researching pediatrician blogs as I launched my own (it’s a password protected, private blog that I have created for the pediatric residents I work with as a Gen Peds faculty member in Winston-Salem, NC). I relate to so much of what you write as a young pediatrician balancing work and motherhood. Thank you for your honest reflections on our struggles.
I have started following you on facebook as well and would love to hear your talks. Any chance you could record and post audio files/podcasts of your various speaking engagements? I just don’t think I’ll be able to make it across the country to hear you in person.
DJ says
I’ve found comfort in this post. I’m a bit sad anticipating what’s to come in our household. (Our daughter is only 5 months, so we haven’t received innocent and pointed questions about family days, thank goodness.) *I know* that I doubt my priorities and choices. My mother was a working career woman, and I spent a lot of time in day care and with babysitters. I’ve always respected her and never felt that her choices were wrong in any way. I had a great time during my childhood – a lot of fun – and I enjoyed time spent with her, too. I always pictured myself as a career woman and never expected that children would make me doubt that. But now that I have a child, I wonder if true success in life is instead spending time with our children. Should I leave my job? Should I ask to work part-time? Should I give up my career goals and focus on mommy goals? Should we adopt a different lifestyle to afford such changes? On the flipside, when my daughter starts school in a few short years, would I regret not being a full-time career woman? And if I give up a career that I love, what message would it give her? What *I do* is remind myself of our good fortune. We are healthy. We can afford “good” day care. We have family and friends who love us. We enjoy healthy – and sometimes indulgent – food. We are not in debt. We make “non baby” time for ourselves, either alone or with friends. We have chosen, at times, not to climb the corporate ladder and consequently have “settled” to slow down and enjoy life. We are home evenings and weekends. We enjoy our jobs and the daily escape to use other parts of our brains. We appreciate the luxury to sit and consider other options in life, even if they aren’t taken.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Thank you for all of these wondeful comments. I’ve been thinking of them all since they were written.
These comments are an incredible perk to authoring this blog. I learn so much from all of you…
Michele R. says
I find it’s give and take – some times you get to be more focused on work and sometimes on your family. the most important thing to me is reminding myself to be really present when I’m home and it’s family time. I really agree we’re modeling hard work, advocacy and social justice for our children – I hear it in the things my daughter says back to me, like “my mom works to keep kids healthy.” There is no perfect answer, flexibility and rolling with it and enjoying the little moments – that’s what keeps me moving forward.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Yes! Thanks for this.