Evan is 4 ½. His mom is a pediatrician. So is his dad. His mom and I were sharing stories of feeling like inept parents in the face of trying to help families with behavioral problems. It’s hard to do what we say, and frankly, hard to master this whole parenting thing. Does anyone?
We were having coffee, trying to get some work done when we downshift to talk about pee.
Mom describes Evan as “a genius.” He can count to a thousand. By 10’s.
In Chinese.
Seriously.
He will work on kindergarten Brainquest workbooks for 6 hours.
But, he can’t pee in the toilet at preschool.
Until last week, Evan was self-restricting fluids and holding it until he would pee in his pants at 3pm when he couldn’t make it any more. Then, poor guy, he’d cry and freak out (of course). They had tried reward charts, talking about it, not talking about it, stressing about it, not stressing about it, timed peeing, etc. She’d been through the behavioral books.
He said he couldn’t pee without his mom. She got it.
She realized then that if she showed up at school and gave him permission to pee, he would. She worried she was doing what all pediatricians would tell her not to do. But instead of acting only like a pediatrician, she was thinking like a parent, using instincts. Trusting herself instead of her training, she formulated a plan.
Last week, before naptime, she hauled over to preschool with a little sign in her pocket and met up with Evan. No biggie, she thought. She pulled out the sign and showed it to him. He instantly marched off to the bathroom, peed and came back.
She’s been doing this daily since then.
She flashes the little wad of paper, then waves bye. She told him when he didn’t need her anymore, she’d stop showing up. That was it. A daily 30-second encounter and her son is functional at school again. Drama free. Hopefully this won’t continue until high school graduation. Over-under, anyone?
Well done, Dr. Evan Mom.
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Ann says
Thanks for posting this very real story of being creative and just getting on with life. I shared it with my son and daughter-in law who where having some similar challenges. Have you been able to stop the daily lunch date yet?
Chris says
I am not alone!!!! My second child refused to use the toilet. The only way I could get him to use it was to have him run around bare naked… and then when for some reason I had to take him out I would put a toddler diaper on him, where he would finally relieve himself. AAARGH! I actually warned his kindergarten teacher (and he has a September birthday, so he was almost six years old). I called Children’s Helpline for HELP! They told me to make him clean himself up, and that he was not that far out of the norm. That is what I did. He slowly improved. The most important thing is that I was comforted in that this was not that uncommon among “normal” children. My oldest child is actually quite disabled (I knew the geography of Children’s too well by the time he was two days old until he was four years old!), but was much easily potty trained. Long story short, younger child is a very capable college student who did not need diapers in kindergarten, despite his reluctance in potty training. While they may make you to pull your hair out for a while as toddlers, they actually can turn out okay (if you have your child take swimming lessons in a public pool in North Seattle she/he may end up with my #2 child as a swim teacher, who is actually quite good with small and disabled children).
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
The lunch dates have stopped! With the help of some magic beans (jelly beans) to allow permission for peeing at school, some time, and a slow transition from lunch dates, Evan is doing great. Not to jinx this for his mom, but she told me last week he has been accident free for about 2-3 weeks. Hopefully this will hold! I loved her compassion for him and her choice to follow her instincts. This story is a great reminder of trusting those gut feelings…
Nancy says
Thank you for sharing this story. It is a great reminder that as parents we need to weigh all the information provided to us by friends, doctors, books and the internet and then do what your gut tells you is right for your family. I love your blog, keep up the great work.