Being a parent is entirely overwhelming. Yes I know, we hold it together about 99.9% of the time, but there are these little windows where our fractures are evident. Or where our Mama/Papa-Achilles is wide open, taught and stretched. Or the beats of time where we get to let our knees buckle beneath the weight of our world. Where we give into the love we feel, the desperation of certain moments, the lack of control over things, and the slipping moments that occur each and every day as our children grow–where we feel we lose parts of them, and then simultaneously gain bits and pieces of who they become.
A pediatric partner of mine once told me that she felt the toddler and preschool years were the most intimate time of parenthood. I think about it all the time. It actually haunts me on some level, as if I’ll lose this proximity with my boys as time marches forward. That I won’t have this utter closeness. That the kisses at the cubby really will come to an end.
Last night, I buckled a little bit. I was also reminded that my pediatrician partner may be wrong.
Before bed, O (he’s 2 1/2 now) and I somehow migrated into his bedroom alone. Usually we read books together with his brother, but last night it was just the two of us while the husband read to F. He reached for a dreaded book and handed it to me. I wanted to shake my head. It was clear: he insisted. Of course I consented to read it but as I opened the cover, my stomach flipped. I knew I was in for a doozy. It had been a tiring day and I was weak in the knees with love for my boys. The book:
Love You Forever by Robert Munsch and Sheila McGraw. A total killer. I actually spent time last night thinking about why it must have been written. To help us savor the days? Torture? To remind us of our enduring love? Have you read it?
There are some books I can hardly bear. Being a parent is more emotional than anything I’ve ever done. And recently the complexities of being a person have been, too. The generational sandwich has me in its teeth again: caring for my children, caring for my mom, caring for my patients, caring for my extended family, and caring for my friends. It’s not just medical advice, prepping dinner, or driving to the hospital. That’s not entirely what I mean. It’s the caring that occurs in the heart. It tugs and tugs and tugs. Patient stories linger, parents cry, my loved ones hurt, the boys eat and eat and eat. And I witness suffering in little bits all over the place. Being a physician allows me a wide open window. So does being a Mom.
These kinds of books like Love You Forever (about love, connection, time, and renewal) allow the tug on my heart to bubble up. So yes, parenthood is entirely overwhelming. Fortunately, our children provide a scaffolding of stability. My emotion didn’t seem to faze O last night even when my voice cracked, tears streamed down my face, or when I faltered and paused at points in the story. He sat erect and snuggled up right next to me in the rocking chair. A tight grasp with his little fingers over my forearm and his eyes squarely on the page waiting for each next. When we finished he asked that I read it again. This is where I drew the line….But,
I think on some level he really understood, that as long as I’m living, forever my baby he’ll be.
(Thanks to Kelsey at Janet Klinger Photography for the beautiful photo)
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Erin says
This was absolutely one of my favorite stories when I was your kids’ ages. I still have my copy, and as someone who’s devoting her life to working with children and helping their parents to better understand them, I appreciate the sentiment and the themes surrounding the beautiful story more and more each day!
Thank you so much for your beautiful writing, Wendy Sue. Just like your kids inspire you to be a better parent, you inspire me to be a better professional and better writer, and I couldn’t be more grateful!
John G says
There’s one we have, i think its called “I love you this much” or something that gets me every time too. Thankfully, E’s more into Busytown.
But it does have one of my favorite lines in any of the kids books, “I love you without liking the naughty things you do.” 😀
Melissa (DrSnit) says
Beautiful. Lovely. I’m so grateful you shared these words. What an amazing storyteller you are. And what a thoughtful and tear inspiring post.
Truly beautiful.
xo
Melissa
Matt says
Beautifully written post, SMD.
A couple nights ago I was reading to the kids and one of my daughters looked up at me and said, “Daddy, is this the best time of your life?”
“Yes it is,” I said, having not known until that exact moment that it is, in fact, the best time of my life.
Talk about a knee-buckler…
Sue says
Wonderful post! Last night my daughter & I read the “Giving Tree” for the first time together (tho’ I’m sure I’d read it before having children.) I choked back tears as I realized as a parent how deeply I *felt* that love and the sense of giving everything out of love. Fractured my soul for just a minute…
Jill says
OMG, a friend of mine gave me this book when my first son was born and I could barely get through it without tears streaming down my face. Your post is so timely. My first son will graduate from the UW this weekend. And I’m here to say that while I think what we have is special, I don’t think it’s unique. Of course my relationship with him has changed over the years, but he will always be my baby, and he doesn’t seem to mind. Of course I miss the toddler days, but each day and each year past that reveals new levels and dimensions of a mother/son bond that I wouldn’t change for the world.
Ruth says
I don’t know if it’s a North American thing (I’m British); but although all my Canadian friends weep at “I Love You Forever”, I find it weird and creepy!! Particularly that last image. But I have a book my friend gave me called ‘Someday’, about a little girl who eventually grows up and leaves home and has children of her own, that reduces me to sobs every time.
And have you read the last chapter of “Winnie the Pooh” when Christopher Robin grows up and tells Pooh he can’t play with him so much any more? Crumbs…
Mignon says
GREAT story!! Wendy sue thanks for sharing as a new mom of a 4 month old I wonder sometimes if the utter heart bursting emotion that my lil prince evokes in me is normal, will it grow, fade?? Our story right now is On the night you were born, which each time I read it reduces me to a puddle to which I oddly enough bathe in!! Again thank you for sharing.
Bryan Vartabedian says
Really nice SMD. I’ve been there with that very book and harbored the same fear. I can’t tell you how it all ends up since I’m only half way there.
Elizabeth Ramstad says
That one always gets me too. I so understand that urge/NEED to stay close at the same degree. A huge challenge ot parenting–and it’s unpredictable which families can maintain the beloved closeness. A miracle when it happens.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Ruth–I agree, that image is strange and creepy when you stare at it….but the words overpower the image for me and that image isn’t until the end and I was crying on page 2.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
And yes, I am with you, Mignon. Other heart-scooping-out books for me include: On The Day You Were Born and also City Dog, Country Frog. The latter is not only incredible–sparse words (I think it’s described this way by a reviewer) but simply stunning watercolors….read it. And weep.
Heather says
I hope releasing the tears was cleansing for you! That book gets me, too. It’s enough on its own, but the fact that my dad gave me that book the day my grandma died, many years before I had kids, makes it almost overpowering to read now!
I also wanted to give you a little reassurance…while the kisses at the cubby or in the hall at school may come to an end, the snuggly moments during evening reading continue, at least for a few more years!
Kathy Mackey says
Love your words but never fear, my 25,24 and 19 year olds offer a different
sense of closeness that is miraculous…
onthemend says
Our son just tured 21, and believe me, I still cry just thinking about it.
Wish I could have a “do over” some days…
Amy says
I became teary eyed just reading the blog, remembering all the times I read that book to my children. They are grown now, 19 and 22 but I feel like they are still my babies and I am their mommy. Listen to Puff the Magic Dragon when your kids are older and reflect on growing out of childhood and leaving your imaginary friends behind.
Sally James says
My favorite analogy for what you see evaporating in front of you as a parent is this: they are born transparent. We can see in, see through, we hear the wheels grinding. We watch their first nouns form, and see them calculate whether to ask for another cookie and how.
As they age, the become opaque. We still love them. They still love us. But our view cannot penetrate.
Melissa Arca, M.D. says
Yes, I love that book. Wendy, we had a similiar night last night, so this post really hit home. Except my son is 6 and my heart is a jumbled mess seeing how he has grown and the new issues we now face.
This is beautifully written, thank you. I think I’ll be pulling that book out to read tonight…I think he and I both need it.
I love the book “Someday” too as one of your readers suggested.
Charisse says
Hi Wendy – I love reading your blog and I was wondering…this may be a tech question for someone else…but could you see about adding a “print” button that would only print what you wrote instead of printing what you wrote along with all the comments? I sometimes want to keep what you write and it would be so great if there was an easy way to print it 🙂
Thank you for all your words of wisdom!!
Rachelle says
Just yesterday, my almost 9 year old daughter came home from school with badly scraped up knees. She had evidently tripped and fallen just outside the gate to school (we live a block away and with 3 and 1 year old little brothers at home, she gets herself to school some days!). She came home hobbling and told me the story. How her girlfriends spotted her and helped her to the nurses’ office. How the nurse cleaned them and put bandages on each knee and told her to come back anytime during the day for a change of bandages or a fresh ice pack. I was blown away by how emotional I became hearing her story!! I couldn’t believe my “baby” girl had gone a whole day with a boo-boo and I didn’t know anything about it. I even asked her if she had thought about calling me…and she said no. I am grateful and thrilled at her independence most of the time, especially as I am knee-deep in preschool/toddler business, but this incident hit me hard and unexpectedly.
C Smith says
This is such a timely post for me. My little boy will turn 6 months old this month and although I am absolutely loving this age, I can’t believe how quickly time is passing. A friend of mine gave me the book No Matter What by Debi Gliori over the weekend and I was flooded with emotion while reading it to my little boy. Small asks his momma, Large, “But what about when you’re far away? Does your love go too, or does it stay?” Large replies, “We may be close, we may be far, but our love still surrounds us…wherever we are.” My mind immediately jumped to when my baby boy leaves for college, or even his first day of school. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it when I’m no longer his favorite person in the whole world. Why do I torture myself with these thoughts? Your blog post and comments remind me to live in the moment and enjoy every second. Thank you for that.
Gayle Schrier Smith MD says
Those “lump in my throat” books are a part of my parenting joy. It’s that ying-yang that reminds me daily that mindful parenting is not just a trendy mantra. Runaway Bunny…Guess How Much I Love You…I Love You, Good Night. I will read them to myself when the tank is a bit empty! Nothing replenishes parental commitment like a good book!
On that note…a plug for Jon Kabat Zinn’s book titled Everyday Blessings. The Art of Mindful Parenting. We only get one best day to have with our kids…each and every day. Your writing about your days keeps mine in wonderful perspective. Wanna write a book together??
Jen says
We have books including that one and Someday for our daughter that are special to each of our children. They always make me cry and renew the close bond I have with each of my children. I love sharing those moments with each of my kids. Tonight I almost cried reading my two year old Guess how much I love you. The way he stretches his arms out and over his head and then snuggles in as the story comes to an end. I just love it.
Teresa says
Your post is absolutely beautiful. Just yesterday I struggled with cleaning the house and taking care of my 14month old son. I needed to wash the dishes and he needed a nap. I realized that I have the rest of my life to wash dishes…. the next couple of hours were spent with my boy napping in my lap, snuggled with his blankie. That was the best part of my day. I choose to cherish this time while he still wants to give me kisses and snuggle with mommy. The dishes will always be there and will always get done eventually… my son is only this young once… BTW our story book is “Guess How Much I Love You” and “On the Day You Were Born” . I’m sure I will read those when he’s 37 and still get weepy when I think about days like yesterday.
Kathy says
Oh WSS, so so true!!! My mom-in-law gave me this book:
Love from My Heart: To a Snuggly Cuddly Little Boy [With “Music Box” Heart] (Parent Love Letters) https://www.amazon.com/Love-My-Heart-Snuggly-Letters/dp/0824966546/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1307674657&sr=1-5
It is horrible to read — I mean, of course its sweet and adorable but it makes me cry every time. I’ve hidden it 🙁 sadly. My oldest is 6 1/2, helping his 3 yr sis do all sorts of things…I tell all my friends two things when they become parents: 1) You can never take too many photos and 2) You are never prepared for how fantastic it is to be a parent, or how much you love your child, until you finally are a parent.
Thanks for reminding us all about this often unspoken, but critical piece of all parents.
E. Ai B. says
I was reading an library science book, What is Alive?, to my oldest. It was great. Until, finally, we got to the part about death. It showed the little girl spotting a dead baby bird. And the text went along the lines of Now it won’t need sunlight. Or food, water, and air to breathe, or its mother and father. Now it is dead, and will never come back.
I burst into tears. And that was the only time we read that book.
Melanie says
Wendy, I’m so glad so many of us came out of the woodwork on this one. To thank you for a wonderful, informative blog. To thank you for making “us” parents juggling everything also feel normal. And to thank you for sharing your talent of expression with words.
Keep up the fantastic work, and I hope you too take those moments just for you and your boys and leave the cleaning and cooking to be done another time.
Jessie says
You know…rather than mourning the loss of what is gone, why not eagerly anticipate all the new experiences in your future? I adore babies and toddlers and would still have a house full of them were it possible. But having 4 teenagers at the same time was every bit as fun and rewarding and wonderful as having 4 preschoolers. Now, having 3 college students and a HS senior? Incredibly delightful! I wouldn’t change a thing, and I cannot wait to see what the next 5…10…20 years bring us.
And I’m looking forward to building new memories through all the ages with my dynamic duo, both 6. It is such a blessing to have the opportunity to do this again. They have changed our world forever, and we are grateful for their additions to our lives in 2005 and 2008.
Lucy says
I always cry when I read my kids You Are My I Love You!!! Such a great book and I cry every time I read it. Thanks for this post! -Mom to 1yr old girl and 3yr old boy
Joy says
Great Post!! My eldest is turning 12 tomorrow. She is a very pure, sweet girl. Recently as I have been speaking with friends and teachers, I have found my self saying if I could just keep her young and stop her from growing up. I found a book called “If I Could Keep You Little”. I thought this book was written just for me. I am trying to change my outlook and be grateful for the wonderful young lady my daughter is becoming, and grateful for all of the precious memories and experiences I’ve had with her thus far.
Thank You!!
P.S. Another favorite book is “My Mother’s Hands”. It is by the same author of “Love you forever” (make sure you have tissues when you read it).
erin says
I still tell new mom friends NOT to read any of the mushy books until they are over postpartum! I remember reading Guess How Much I Love You to my daughter as an infant and sobbing through the whole thing. Now I look back at that moment and it makes me laugh; it’s just so stereotypical new mom!
I also love On the Night You Were Born…a book in which the author describes how all of nature rejoiced the night baby was born. I think it almost gets across how the world stopped for us as parents and nothing else mattered when that baby was put in our arms for the first time.
LAP says
Your blog is an enormous hug on the days that I feel I am a bad doctor and even worse parent. Thank you.
By the way, did you see the New York Times article about female primary care doctors working part time? Would love to send a letter to the editor…or maybe just snuggle with my kids instead. Better use of my energy right now.
GuestM says
I’ve never commented before but on this one I had to – I have hidden that book so that my daughter doesn’t ask my husband or I to read it anymore. Perhaps I’m mean, but I can’t handle reading it. Neither of us can get through it without crying! But it is an absolutely perfect description of what it fees like to be a parent.
Chris says
I could only read that book once. I had already lost a parent in childhood, and had (and still have) a now-adult oldest son who spent much too much time at Children’s (he has a genetic heart condition, plus some developmental issues). It hurts too much. Especially since my son has an appointment with his cardiologist next week, and he has not regularly taking his medication.
But I know the sentiment of the change as kids grow older. I will still call my younger son my “baby boy” even though he is a six foot tall lifeguard at a local public pool and lives on his own. I will always treasure the moments like yesterday evening when my teenage daughter and I made rosette cookies (deep fried Scandinavian goodies).
Vera says
This was such a sweet post! I happen to think that book is totally creepy, but I know I am in the minority and there are other books that have that same effect on me for sure.
One thing I am discovering now that I am venturing into the school-age years with my oldest, is that there is an entirely different kind of closeness now. Although she will hardly let me swoop her up and snuggle and kiss her anymore, we can go out to dinner just the two of us and TALK. We can have real conversations, about deep things – things that she is experiencing and feeling, opinions that she has. I LOVE it. And I can only imagine that this type of connection will grow. Then I think about things like the bond that we will feel some day when she has a child of her own. Yes, I do cherish the days that we have now, but I also know that there are GOOD THINGS to come!