He exceeded expectations. Our little boys do that, it seems. And like every parent, I glow and gleam and glitter when they do. Today little O exceeded. Today was O’s first day of school. And although I am the one who housed the separation anxiety this morning, I expected him to miss us at some point. Pick his head up and look for me. Or look back over his shoulder. Or ask where we were. Or wonder about his role in the room. Or go looking for his brother.
Turns out, no. The note from the head teacher described a “duck to water” and “no moments of upset.” No accidents. No crying. No trouble. She ended the email with “watching him smile all over the place was a joy.” Are you kidding me? Yes, that’s my boy. My Our boy.
This is no guarantee for tomorrow, and I get that and I expect the tantrums and the imperfect moments, too. But this is a day to celebrate. 3 years ago today I was on bed rest. Wondering, worrying, wishing, and hoping for health. Today my little boy started school. It is jaw-dropping-roof-blow-off-mesmerizing moment for me. What these children can do. For themselves and for those of us privileged enough to witness their lives. Independence is an incredible gift.
O marched into his role as a preschool-student triumphantly. The only one in tears was me. And then his brother, at the end of the day. Sometimes this little boy lays out his scientific method for strength. Like a Marine, he’s always happy to be the first one through the door.
It’s love. I feel just.pure.love.
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Amanda says
Oh….it’s sad and joyful at the same time when our child reached such a big milestone. Sad that our children are growing up and apart from us, joyful that they are gaining independence. As a mother, it’s hard to find that balance between these two emotions.
Katie says
Congratulations to O and to his proud family! I bet he will continue to do marvelously.
Will also started preschool off with a great day. I was expecting trouble with drop off, but nope! He didn’t even look back and was so happy to be there. I definitely had tears in my eyes as we turned away, but I was so very proud of him and glad he was so content.
He was fine going the second day, too (ours is a Thursday/Friday schedule).
But. . . the next week? He threw a legendary tantrum. He fought me every step of the way getting ready and screamed the entire (fortunately it’s less than five minutes) drive there. He then had to be peeled from me, placed in the teacher’s arms, where he screamed, cried, and arched away from her. As I had been instructed, I walked away and then waited in the church atrium for 15 minutes, because if he didn’t calm down by then, they would want me to take him home.
I could hear him screaming through two shut doors and a hallway. For twenty minutes (at the fifteen minute mark, one of the class aides came and told me he seemed to be winding down and to give him five more minutes), I had to sit there and listen to my child scream for me, tears rolling down my own cheeks. I wanted so badly to go to him, to ease his fear and pain, yet I knew that I couldn’t. To make our children suffer is the hardest thing for me as a parent, even if it is for their own good. But when is it more good than bad?
He has gone to preschool a few times since. He always tells me that he doesn’t want to go, but he hasn’t had that intense tantrum experience since the one time. When I ask him to help me understand why he doesn’t want to go, he will tell me, “I don’t know” or “I want to stay home with you”. He halfheartedly fights going, but he seems to know he must. He is consistent in saying that he doesn’t like school and doesn’t want to go, no matter who asks him or if I am present or not.
Conversely, whenever we drive by the church where his school is housed, he always yells out proudly, “There’s my school!” And his teacher says that she wouldn’t know that he didn’t want to go, he seems fine when he is there. His only issue is that sometimes he isn’t listening to her, especially when it comes to transitioning from a task, but she seemed to think that was normal and didn’t seem concerned (and I asked her, she didn’t mention his behavior to me).
My husband thinks we shouldn’t force him to go. I think we should give it more time.
Any advice, Mama Doc? Or should we make an appointment to see our favorite pediatrician? 🙂
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
I think you do two things (which you already are):
1) respect your child’s opinion and experience. Ask him to explain more from time to time, try to get a sense if the distaste from school comes from fear, separation, or an issue AT school. But respect his likes and dislikes. Preschool isn’t requisite, but learning to get through difficult challenges and environments IS. Stopping may seem like a failure to you but a win to him. Why don’t you find a compromise: say taking 2 months off and setting a start date for Jan 2011—you value his current experience but also his need to try school. Or, you agree on 1 time a week for a month, then 2 times for 2 mo, etc and ramp it up. Checking in with him all the while.
2) You continue to talk with him about following through, goals and fun. You continue to portray school in an honest light. Not that it is perfect for him and blissdom, but more that it is a place to play and learn and sing and meet new friends. And it can be great some days and not so great some days. And that you need to do tasks during that time. Teaching him that his priorities matter but so do yours. It’s a beginning of his understanding his commitment to himself while he has a concurrent commitment to his community and family.
GOOD LUCK. The biggest and likely best piece of advice is that if the above doesn’t sound right: YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO so trust your instincts. But make a decision with your husband together so you’re all on the same page.
Viki says
Mamadoc – WTG O! Is he in the same classroom as his brother?
Katie, is it a strictly drop-off school? We belong to a co-op which offers a lot of flexibility with how you handle the separation. I’ve seen parents sit in a separate room and read a book for the first couple weeks. Their child was comforted knowing they could pop over and check in with mom or dad. I’ve seen several parents volunteer a lot at the beginning of the year to help their kid transition. By getting their hours in early the program became drop-off. I’ve arranged carpools with other parents where we get together for coffee before school, let the kids play, and then take turns carpooling the kids to school. Somehow the ice breaker in the morning and riding with a friend eases the transition also, sort of like a lovey when getting them to sleep on their own. Our co-op has a side babysitting trade for the siblings which helps a lot. Of course, any and all these ideas will work with a non-coop program if you find teachers and other parents who are amenable. In our 3-5s class, every single 3 yr old has been uneasy or tearful at one time or another. It’s their first time on their own away from mom or dad. (Classes and sports don’t count as much because mom or dad are watching.) It gets better when they make buddies in the classroom and bond with the teacher. What we do for our preschool is have playdates the entire preceding summer to help the kids get to know each other. I always invite new kids over to play or organize casual meetups at the children’s museum or park. After a while they cry because they don’t want to go home.