I take solace sometimes knowing I can’t stop time. When I look to the clock and trade panic for solace it’s a way to distance myself from the reality that as time marches on in its infinite human construction, I don’t have to think about moments with the boys lost. Every parent hears over and over again that, “it just goes so fast.” I find that advice never helps. Just makes us feel like time with our beloved little humans is slipping through our fingers and I can’t imagine a parent who feels good about that.
My little boy is no longer allowed to be entirely in my grasp as the doors of that big schoolhouse open forever next week. My 5 year-old starts Kindergarten and it’s pretty clear to me that from here forward there will be many forces facilitating his gradual exploration of the world away from our cozy nest.
The solace I mention is real though and it helps me. At moments I can feel the space and peace that comes in knowing I have literally no control over his aging and what it provides — like giving into the wind I can lean into this space and know what a privilege it is to witness this wild ride. It certainly helps that he clearly loves the speed with which life is hurling at him. I see it in moments where he looks at the Kindergarten class list and in the moments where he sticks his right foot out while standing next to his bike and poses as if he’s ready to take a big stage and I feel his thrill as he looks over to his older brother and realizes he finally belongs at the same school. Growing up really is quite a thing to behold.
Being a part of something bigger is a huge part of being human and school is an essential first (or second) step
And although that solace I just mentioned is real I can’t help but tell you that there is certainly a part of me that suffers in these waning summer days. I feel the excitement yes, I lean into the solace yes, but as a working mom I can’t help wonder, “did I do this all right?” Were the last 5 and 1/2 years exactly what I imagined for his time at home preparing for the onslaught of schooling? Was I present, available, ready, and everything I wanted to be? Well, surely not. It’s clear my iPhone got in the way, as did my job, and my ambition to improve children’s health. Thankfully there are ways he shows me he knows he’s got my attention but I can’t help but trip (and fall) sometimes knowing there are infinite ways to raise a child and I do look at those other paths with curiosity.
Today let me tell you this: I’ll hold onto the solace every single moment I see it and I’ll let it mix up with the suffering. I can gently mute the parts of pain that comes with aging and losing the intimacy found between mother and son during toddlerhood and the preschool years. I’ll find that solace when I feel the thrill from peering over the edge of this great big world ahead of him. One thing I know for certain is I’ll enjoy the first moments of Kindergarten next week, too. This little boy of mine is growing up to be a thoughtful, curious, kind, and happy little man. It’s his excitement for the next giant step that will tug me along into September…
Paul Wagner says
My 10 year old son was potty trained at 3 about 3 years ago he started pooping and peeing his pants at school. We have seen several doctors and psychologists who assure us there is nothing medically causing it. We have tried rewarding him,taking things way.nothing seems to work. He now is in 5th grade and has been removed from the classroom. His desk is in the hall and only receives occassisional help.do you have any suggestions or specialist we could see.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Hi Paul, I’m so sorry you’re having this challenge. I can only imagine the stress to both your son and your family. Unsure how to direct you if you’ve seen exhaustive lists of pediatric specialists and behaviorists. Does the school have an action plan to transition him back into the classroom? Having your son outside the class, unlike his peers, clearly isn’t ideal. Does your pediatrician have other ideas? Does it make sense to schedule a visit with him/her and if not, consider another primary care doc who could help build a team of support for you?