From Pop Strip https://popstrip.com/sticks-and-stones
Lots of people ask me how my boys get along. I never know quite how to answer. They are pals most of the time, they play and invent and create games and fun together. But they also fight. I suppose I expect it as a mother but I admit that even as a pediatrician, ex school teacher, and younger sister in life, I sometimes don’t know exactly when to intervene and when to leave them alone to resolve disputes unassisted.
Our society seems to have more tolerance for sibling bullying than peer bullying whether in the schools or at the playground or at home. Traditionally we’re taught to expect sibling rivalries and often chalk it up as an expected or normal part of childhood. “Boys will be boys,” we say.
Some experts are urging us to think again.
Sibling violence is often minimized yet new research shows this violence and bullying can have lasting and serious mental health effects.
Parents and others often minimize the frequency and severity of aggressive behavior among siblings
Typically, I’m a stickler for a no-fighting-no-warzone type home. I hate the noise that comes with fighting and I hate the tension. When things escalate I tend to banish the boys to their rooms individually to help them cool off and make apologies and amends. Sometimes I let them sort it out themselves of course, as it can work wonders to plant myself squarely on the sideline. It’s luck of the draw though on how I respond from day to day–I have no clear system on when and why I intervene. I’ve been imperfect, too –in fact one tug-o-war between the boys with a bath towel landed my older son in the ER for stitches. I wasn’t even thinking about his mental health…
New research published today offers up some compelling data for we parents unsure how and when to respond or intervene when our children fight. We may need to get more involved. Researchers found that bullying at home from siblings can have lasting effects on mental health. And by the way, it isn’t always the oldest who bullies.
Research On Siblings Who Fight Or Bully
- Researchers studied 3,500 children and teens looking at children from 1 month to 9 years of age and 10 to 17 years of age. Children over 10 were asked directly about their siblings and violence, while those under 10 years of age were represented by the parent most commonly exposed to daily routines.
- They asked children about “physical assault with and without a weapon or injury; stealing something from a child with or without force, or breaking siblings’ things on purpose; and saying things to make a child feel bad or scared or not wanted around.” Basically they looked at hitting, stealing stuff, being made fun of, and breaking things and counted them all as an important treason of childhood.
- The meat of it: children and teens who reported bullying from siblings in the last year had significantly worse mental health scores as indicated by results on standardized scales for depression, anxiety, and anger. The study controlled for other kinds of bullying, maltreatment, Internet victimization, ethic background, and family education.
Tips For Keeping The Peace At Home
- Be clear about expectations for conflict resolution in your home. Remind your children of your expectations for respect and the value of treating each other fairly. Teach children how to avoid conflict, how to walk away, how to ask for help, and how to express how a brother or sister makes them feel.
- Make a zero-tolerance policy for violence, destruction of property, and ridicule in your house.
- Keep your promise and take away privileges when your children don’t comply with the rules.
- We have to keep our own behavior in check. Our consistency and model of non-violent behavior and respect cannot be understated, of course.
This is likely a work in progress for most American families. Just today I ran a little faster when I heard the conflict begin…
Don’t let your own history dictate you taking sister and brother bullying seriously. My brother and I used to fight and there are many particular details that remain in my memory. I’ve previously chalked up the memories of fighting and name-calling I endured to being a younger sister. But the data out today makes me want to work more thoughtfully to ensure my boys do better. Most of us write this stuff off as just a part of birth order and something that enhances our grit (and potentially) our wit as second or third or forth children. I would suspect some of us have had a bit more suffering than we’d like.
No more reason to wait. We can improve our children’s health by ensuring we insist on keeping the peace.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
A horrific story out today regarding sibling bullying in the home with fatal consequences.
https://bigstory.ap.org/article/boy-13-charged-wrestling-death-girl-5
Linnie McClellan says
I grew up as the second child in a family of six children and we fought a little, but never bullied. We were spanked by our mother, and I feel it was not harmful at all, nor do I feel it psychologically messed me up. We knew we were loved. I look back on my childhood as wonderful. My siblings are my best friends. My youngest brother, 16 years younger than me, was under the impression that we never fought with each other and his kids should never fight either. As siblings we love each other very much. As parents every one of us has raised our children to respect each other and the golden rule.
THEN I married my second husband who had a kid out of control. She hit, pulled hair, bullied her little sister who was 9 years younger when there were no adults around. She lied, stole, threw temper tantrums, and manipulated and used family members. She put a stain on our summer visitations and made everyone dread her visits, especially me, mother of the house. My older kids saw right through her, but nonetheless she stole a part of their childhood. As an adult she has no idea why she is not welcomed with open arms in many situations, not just at home. She has no close friends because she doesn’t know how to be one. She is tolerated but no one would choose to be around her. She does not claim accountability for anything now or past, and she “can’t remember” anything. I have to feel sorry for this now woman. Even if she changes her spots, she has damaged other people and herself. Either way, she is left with this personality and it is not my problem or anyone else’s.
One of the things I always told my kids is that there are enough people in this world to be mean to us, it doesn’t have to be in our own family. I also taught them I loved them too much to let them be the kid that nobody liked. Allowing such behavior is not acceptable. I have seen both sides of the coin in my life.
Kathleen Berchelmann says
Great post on such an important topic, Dr. Swanson. Thank you. I frequently see patients in the ER who have been hurt by their siblings. I tell them that this is illegal behavior and unacceptable. If it’s not allowed at school or work, it shouldn’t be allowed at home, either.
Claire says
Very interesting even if not totally surprising! But a great reminder to work on our own approach to help our kids communicate effectively. I know people differ in their philosophies, but here are a few resources that might be of use to some of your readers.
1) The Best Way to Stop Sibling Violence: https://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=206863&A=SearchResult&SearchID=6869015&ObjectID=206863&ObjectType=55
2) Should You Intervene in a Sibling Fight?: https://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=206766&A=SearchResult&SearchID=6869015&ObjectID=206766&ObjectType=55
3) How to Intervene in a Sibling Fight: https://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=6685303&A=SearchResult&SearchID=6869015&ObjectID=6685303&ObjectType=1
4) Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
5) Sibling struggles: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/09/sibling-struggles/
6) Friends for Life: https://www.ahaparenting.com/audiotapes/mom-loves-you-more-sibling-rivalry
Hope these are helpful for someone!
Viki says
MamaDoc, my comments from my phone get lost in the ether, so trying from the iPad.
I’ve seen (former pediatrician, present Postive Discipline guru) Jody McVittie speak a few times on discipline and also on sibling relationships. She emphasizes that letting kids “sort it out” no their own should not equate to younger siblings being left to the mercy of the older children. Given a fair balance of power and maturity, she had some great ideas about teaching kids conflict resolution. She also had some great ideas to try with my older child who was picking on her younger sib. She’s locale to Seattle, so perhaps you’ve crossed paths. Local folks can easily find one of her workshops and online folks might enjoy the online resources: https://www.encouragingsolutions.net/
Palmer says
I’ve seen the lasting effects that can happen. I had a cousin who was very much a bully – even when she was very small. I’ve heard even as a toddler she would pinch and hit me, who as several years older (though probably smaller) was never believed… but I am strong willed and spent little enough time with her. The worst of it was certainly reserved for her younger sister who was subjected to it constantly. Her parents turned a very blind eye to the behavior. The elder of the pair has since passed away due to mental illness and risky behavior, but the younger still suffers from panic attacks and anxiety disorder that requries medication to control. I would not be surprised at all that this would not be the case had she had a childhood free of constant physical and mental attacks.
Adam Paul says
I love this. I’ve been looking for other ways of spending time with my family. Our usual go-to place is spending the weekends at the mall. Occasionally we go to the beach or watch movies together.
Adam Paul says
It is really a great blog post to read and I found some interesting tips for kids to sleep while traveling. So thanks for sharing it with us.