I recently listened to an interview on This American Life that stuck with me. The show was entitled “It’s Not The Product, It’s The Person” and went through a series of examples uncovering the reality that great business (or great work) is more a product of the who than the what. Who people are, how much grit, tenacity, raw or natural talent, passion, or skill really matters when doing whatever it is that that they do. Far more perhaps than what they actually create, sell or even perform. And although this isn’t the point I mean to make (you’ll see) it’s worth noting that the show opens with details of a young entrepreneur, like really young (age 11 years) and demonstrates how her talents, bravado, and finesse allow her to sell things and attract attention that others can’t. The show rounds out as the narrator showcases the varying pitfalls in his own quest for success as an ex-NPR radio producer turned start-up entrepreneur. The story was somewhat lighthearted, of course, but one point stuck. As he was gleaning information from an established, successful venture capital investor he was asked a potent question. The investor was interrogating how this fledgling entrepreneur could get funding; assisting him in creating his “pitch” for the money people. He asked, “What’s your unfair advantage?”
Think about it, what’s your unfair advantage?
It stuck with me because it was so relevant for success in an often random, senseless world of building ideas and companies but also in parenting “like a pro.” An unfair advantage sometimes facilitates success and I would suggest nearly all of us have something in our pocket that we know makes it work. You can think of this unfair advantage in terms of celebrity or early success for some (Kate Hudson’s mom is Goldie Hawn after all, and it certainly seems easier to get a bedroom in The White House if your last name is Bush or Kennedy or Clinton for that matter). Yet we all also know that success isn’t only built of “unfair advantages,” that it does take advantage wed to sheer passion, purpose or intent. But clearly those unfair advantages help people get their ideas and skills discovered.
It was only recently that I realized my unfair advantage this past decade or so. Especially when it comes to parenting. It’s certainly not that I’m a pediatrician nor that I have had the gift of education, a safe and fair upbringing in suburban Minnesota or even the incredible generosity from multiple mentors. Those were lucky but not “unfair.” When it comes to parenting my boys and making decisions about work and life and love and passion, my unfair advantage is my late mother-in-law, Lois Swanson [you can read about her here.] Unfair perhaps because of the gift she’s been to my life that so many others lack. She’s just passed away this month and as we grieve and regroup as a family it really has dawned on me that she is one incredible, fortuitous and totally unfair advantage in the lottery of my life. Here’s why:
She shows that a life that matters, a long marriage, and a focus on family can create productive, connected and loving children. From the beginning (I first met her the fall of 1999) she helped create a relationship with me that was uncomplicated, unconditional, and always present. At the end of a conversation or at the end of a great afternoon she’d repeatedly spend time on the day itself saying, “Wendy, we sure had a wonderful time, didn’t we?” just before detailing why.
She’s always made me feel parenting my boys gently and lovingly would solve any of the complex problems. Often when in the midst of a quandary I cast myself to her philosophies (“I parent with one guiding principle: love” she always said) and it’s superiorly easier to make decisions. And although distillation of parenting decisions to “just parent with love” seems overly simplistic, it clearly isn’t in my experience. And it’s that focus on love and generosity that makes getting her as my mother-in-law so wondrous. Further, this advantage grows for me because of her example. She spent the majority of her life caring for her children, her community, and maintaining ties with people in her life. Of anything she did steadily and quietly and consistently, it was building up those around her to do good and to love each other well. Celebration of others’ work, accomplishment, and mission was her everything. And for me – it has been, and will remain an entirely unfair advantage as I age. As I said in the intro of my book, I’m one of those people who just desperately loves my in-laws.
Tell me, what’s your parenting unfair advantage – what makes you the unique gift to your children that you are? PLEASE share it with me. Selfishly, as I mourn this great loss, I want to hear from and celebrate you.
Carolyn Sakstrup says
Given that I’ve had the privilege to have met your unfair advantage, this is a tough one to comment on given the bar you have set… that said, I will give it a shot. It’s interesting how you listed things in your life that have been ‘lucky but not unfair’… of course you were INCREDIBLY lucky that Lois found her way into your life, but I think the difference is that the advantage she gave you is distinct, unable to be found readily elsewhere, and ‘hidden’ from the outside world. Which, incidentally, is exactly how one would think about strategic advantage in business, in one way or another.
When I apply this all to my life and parenthood, my unfair advantage as a parent is having spent LOTS of time in the wilderness, specifically spending summer after summer canoeing in northern Minnesota and northern Canada through Camp Menogyn (https://www.ymcatwincities.org/camps/camp_menogyn/). This gave me yoga philosophy before I knew yoga (arguably another advantage) — being one with the world around me, gaining perspective about my simultaneous irrelevance and divinity, finding true joy in the moment surrounded by people who I love, unplugging from the “connected” world that often distracts us from true connection. The wilderness taught me all of these things at a time in my life that it was SO easy to know them, with very few real responsibilities, no debt, no cell phone… ummmm, oh yikes… no email address!! (dating myself). I can channel that place in my head in a split second, and I have done so while connecting with my two-year-old on many occasions, despite the fact that he has yet to sleep in a tent after canoeing all day. I can’t wait for that day.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Outside time, without distraction, is a treasure of course. You’re quite the fortunate person to have such a wealth of time without a ceiling in the memory bank to call upon when you’re enmeshed in the craziness of daily life.
Thinking about the memorial service this weekend and a few of the readings shared. That outside time for reflection may be essential in creating a life that matters (text from a version of it her):
https://www.funeralhelper.org/a-life-that-matters-unknown.html
Susannah Fox says
I am so deeply sorry for your loss and, at the same time, grateful for the gift of this insight you are sharing because of it.
You know the phrase “dance as if nobody’s watching”? My mom embodies it. Man, was that embarrassing growing up. Interpretive dance in church on a Sunday morning? Yep, that’s my mom. First one on the floor at a wedding? Yep, that’s my mom. But it also meant dancing around the kitchen with my mom and brother, learning how to waltz, spin, and follow a lead. And it meant having the confidence to be first on the floor at school dances, not missing a single song. My unfair advantage is that seize the moment mentality. And I am happy to say that my son who is of school-dance age is one of the first on the floor when the music starts.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thank you for your condolences. Your “unfair advantage” story is delightful — thank you!!
Kristina Linke says
I’m not sure exactly what you mean by “unfair advantage”, but my husband and I try to live by the Buddhist philosophies. We feel that it is important to make sure our children grow up having a sense of the world. Although cruel sometimes, we want them to know that it is their world that they are inheriting. To take care of it and themselves.
We will teach them to have an open and honest relationship with us, and to always look at the positive in their lives. I think that is the most important thing.
I could go on for days about what we will be teaching our kiddos, of course. There are so many things that shape an individual, and I can’t wait to see my childrens’ personalities when they are older and who they will become!
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
What I mean by “unfair advantage” is that to me Lois was such a gift (I mean how many people adore their mother in law and describe their relationship as the most uncomplicated they can think of?) that she has made parenting my boys easier. As if I got a little leg up on all the complexities of it all. And she’s made it easier to successfully pull off parenting while working and feeling good about choices.
Kristina, thanks so much for sharing your philosophies here.
Roni Zeiger says
What a wonderful question and thank you for sharing all of this. My unfair advantage might be how my mother taught me, without ever explicitly talking about it, to give respect to others whenever possible. It’s the subtle examples that most stuck with me: making eye contact with the person cleaning the bathroom at work and saying thank you.
As a result of this, we talk about respect a lot with our kids, and I think it’s been an important tool and concept for us as parents. Today at a soccer game one of the other kids was misbehaving, and on the drive home we wondered if he wasn’t getting enough respect and was acting out to get attention instead. This is just one way of looking at things of course and may be analogous to your “just parent with love”. It sure has guide my life and my parenting.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thanks, Roni. You’ve certainly taught me over the years to dwindle down situations through the lens of “what is the most respectful way to respond” and wow–it has great power.
David Goldsmith says
Beautiful sentiments, Wendy Sue. I can’t imagine a better way to honor your mother-in-law’s extraordinary life and legacy.
Ironically, my unfair advantage is likely a function of my own mother’s unfair dis-advantage, which was the loss of her eyesight many years ago due to a degenerative eye disease.
Through that loss my mother taught me to see the world differently, to take stock of my good fortune, to cherish the simple things, and to have compassion for those whose own lives have been upended by forces beyond their control.
Despite her limitations, my mother persevered with her professional career as a hospital administrator until retirement. After that she remained actively engaged in causes dear to her heart, working to open the first homeless shelter in her city for mothers and children, raising funds to support research for Retinitis Pigmentosa, and serving on several nonprofit boards. All the while never losing sight of what matters most to her — family, friends and her community.
As a parent I have of course tried to pass on much of what I’ve learned from my mother, but I’ve mostly just tried to ensure my daughter could see it herself by spending time with her grandmother. It turns out that has been a lasting gift for both of them.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thanks for your comment, David. Your point about getting your daughter the experience with your own mother is striking. Yes we can talk and talk and talk about life’s essential lessons and of course the ones that seem to stick are the ones that we’re intimately involved in.
Leah says
Such a lovely way to honor Lois, Wendy! I couldn’t think of a better way to put this into words.
My “unfair advantage” is my amazing mom. She has taught me more than I can even imagine. It has been two years since her passing and I continuously learn from her. I never would have thought she could be so present in my life like she is now! I learned so much from her growing up and as a young adult. This has definitely given me an “unfair advantage”. I am truly blessed. She constantly showed me how to love and do it unconditionally. She was a shining example of how to selflessly care for others, and it was truly a gift. I was blessed to see her practice this love and caring for others!
Thanks again for sharing this, Wendy! It is a great thing to reflect on.
xoxo
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thanks, Leah!
Emily Gibson, M.D. says
Wendy, I had a mother-in-law who was an unfair advantage as well and she became the unfair advantage to our children as she mothered them while I continued to work part time during their early years.
My own parents were going through a divorce and I was grieving the loss of a unified “whole” family just as I met my future husband. My in-laws embraced me as if I was their own flesh and blood, helping me to forgive the inevitable hurts caused by a fractured home. We decided to abandon Seattle and promising career paths in order to raise our children in a rural community where grandparents would be a daily part of our childrens’ upbringing and I’ve never regretted that decision for a minute.
Our children had the unfair advantage of parents and grandparents who loved them unconditionally, and my mother-in-law spent the later part of her work years doing something she loved: spending many hours with her grandchildren. Our adult children are such great people because of the blessings she bestowed.
You’ll miss your mother-in-law in just such a visceral sense as I miss mine, and your children will too. It is a sweet hurt when love leaves its mark.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thank you for this; your comments always so helpful to me and others I am sure. It is visceral for us all. And you’re right “it’s a sweet hurt when love leaves a mark”
Janine Bufi says
I am grateful for this post and your description of “unfair advantage.” And I am grateful to your mom-in-law for illustrating it so well. So often I think that we view our lives from a perspective of what we lack–how lovely to be able to shift the perspective to viewing ones advantage. My advantage: a loving and non-critical mother. She supported me in whatever I wanted to do and gave me the model of how to be supportive. “All you need is love” sung to the tune of that famous Beatles song was her best parenting advice.