I’ve been struck by the death of Elizabeth Edwards. I keep coming back to thoughts about her. Like most Americans, on Monday I learned she was advancing to hospice care. After a long day in clinic on Tuesday, spent, I listened to NPR in the car on my commute home. It was dumping rain in Seattle, it was dark, the cars were moving slowly. NPR announced she’d passed away. What? Pause. Swallow. Take a right turn at the light…
I thought she had weeks. Tears welled up in my eyes; I felt caught off guard. I can only imagine the sadness of those who have known her.
I’ve been thinking of her, her children, and her life experience. I don’t know her, so of course my vantage point into her life is one similar to most–I only know what the media shared with me and what she chose to share with the public. I trust her texture is expansive and far more pronounced in person. I know so little about her, but I have heard her story and it is memorable. I am taken by her death likely because so often, she was identified as a mother.
Today in NYT’s Motherlode blog, Lisa Belkin writes about Ms Edward’s “Dying Letter,” a letter she composed for her children as she faced her mortality. People magazine reported on the letter while the Edwards family was on the campaign trail. I suspect like any letter from a mother, her letter is filled with story, memory, advice, wisdom, and legacy. Fortunately, we’ll never know. Only her children will.
But it got me thinking. Why don’t we all write this? Why don’t we all share, journal, and jot down our thoughts and ideas for our children before we face a mortal diagnosis or worse, an unexpected death. Why not collect thoughts/ideas/moments in time throughout our lives for our children. After I wrote a letter to F last year for his preschool emergency preparedness, I felt better. I know that if today an earthquake occurred while my son was at school, that while separated, he’d at least have my words and a photo. This task could function like a living will but not for our own end, rather for our childrens’ future. Today, a living-Mommy (or Daddy)-will makes a lot of sense to me, despite the onerous task of composing it.
Does it make sense to you to start an ongoing letter to your children? If you don’t feel like much a writer, how about a list of ideas/wishes/advice placed in bullet points? I suspect if any of us start this, we’ll never regret it. Neither will our children.
Will you do this?
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Kelly says
I write in a journal to each of my boys. I don’t do it weekly or even monthly. Sometimes it’s just a couple times a year. It acts as a kind of memory book/history/advice column. It tracks my experience as their mother and will hopefully give them insight into both themselves as children and me as I navigate parenting.
Jill says
Thanks for this inspiring post. I underwent a fairly minor surgical procedure back in September, and wrote letters to both of my sons and my husband–just in case. It was really difficult to do, but it made me realize that we don’t have to wait until we’re facing a terminal illness or the possibility of death (which, let’s be honest, could be any day of the week) to tell those most important to us, what really matters.
Claire says
I do. I write on every birthday. I write to share who they are and who I am as they are growing up – little snapshots of what we are doing, thinking and feeling. I have daily letters that my grandparents wrote each other during the war, and they are invaluable to me for learning about my family and making me feel like I know then through time. Daily is a bit much for me, but once a year, I can handle! It is one of my favorite parts of my boys’ birthdays so far.
Marci says
I like the idea of writing a letter, as you did, for preschool. And maybe others at other points in my child’s life. That way, there will be a finished piece for each stage with whatever is relevant at that age. As he gets older, each time I feel compelled to start a new letter, I’ll likely have a different set of ideas and a different way that I’d want to talk to him that time around.
Karen says
And take it a step further, not only for kids, but for other relatives. I did just this for my mom over the summer as she has a terminal illness, now in Hospice. It was very tough to write, but so appreciated by her and I felt that if something unforseen had occurred, I had said it all. My cousin was going to write such a letter for her kids (three of them) prior to her death at age 33 from breast cancer and never did….I wished so much she had done it as her youngest, age 3 1/2 at the time, never really knew his mom.
Kimberly says
I’ve been very moved by the grace and courage with which Elizabeth Edwards lived and died. Your post is inspiring. I will most definitely do this. I think it’s a fantastic idea.
I have noticed it being a trend at wedding ceremonies among friends, to write a love letter only to be opened ‘just in case of emergency (defined differently for everyone)’.
I’ve been writing a love letter to my daughter for nearly 6 years. It’s over 350 pages long. Sadly, I began it after she died. I wish I had been writing to all of my children from the time of their birth. I know all too well how quickly and unexpectedly loved ones can be taken from us.
I shall write my first letter to my boys for Christmas.
Peace.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Thank you for all of your comments. I’m impressed you are all writing so much. I hope to do the same.
@Kimberly,
Thank you for leaving a comment, too. I’ve been all over your website reading about your daughter Meghan and your loss, your work in sharing your story, and your efforts in helping prevent future falls and injuries. Thank you.
I talk about securing furniture in clinic every day, but I am reminded of realities and the need to speak up more because of your story. I took care of a child who had pulled a large TV on top of herself while I worked in the ICU. I think about her all the time.
I’m so thankful you are sharing your story. Your courage is incredible. And your mothering goes on and on. Peace to you, too, and happy holidays. Enjoy writing to your boys!
Barb says
I already do it on my blog fairly regularly. 🙂 My Mom wrote letters to us off and on throughout our lives too. It’s a lovely, lovely feeling to read them.
Viki says
Letter writing is a lost art! I was a bigtime letter writer as a girl, had penpals all over. It’s such a shame that my correspondants and I fell into email halfway through college. My husband and I exchange letters with my 4yo. She’s an independent reader and likes to practice writing, so it’s charming and fun. The kids and I will be away for several months and my husband is staying home. She’s looking forward to real mail, not just letters left under her pillow. I’m not sure if my son would respond to the same thing. We’ll see!
I like the living mommy letter. I keep a little blog where I post little stories about my kids. Not too editorial, just quick day-in-the-life. Anyone who doesn’t know us would snooze! I definitely don’t want to write advice to my kids. I am so dang opinionated that any person who knows me could tell them what I’d think. We picked opinionated god parents just-in-case! 🙂 All I want them to know is that being their mom is a blessing beyond my imagination. And that they’re growing too fast, so if anything kills me at an early age, it will be nostalgia.
Erin says
I do the same thing Claire does–great minds think alike!
I bought a journal when my daughter was a baby, and my husband and I each write her a letter each birthday. We tell her funny stories about things she said or did, how smart she is, how much we love her, and what we hope and wish for her. I also love lists, so about once a year I make some sort of list too–words she can say, or funny things she says, favorite animals, tv shows, games.
Our plan is to give it to her on her 18th birthday so that as she goes off to make her way in the world she has a little bit of our love with her. However, I haven’t ruled out giving it to her earlier if there is some sort of relationship crisis with her and we feel she needs it more then.
Danielle says
My mom had me when she was barely 21, but even at such a young age had the insight to write me letters to read in the future. She wrote me a letter every single year on my birthday from the time I turned one until my 18th birthday. On my 21st birthday she gave them to me in a box with our pictures on it.
All the notes were sealed into envelopes – nobody had ever read them. My mom couldn’t remember what was even written in them. It was so surreal to be 21 and reading my mom’s thoughts when she was my age. She talked about how happy she was to have me, about how hard it was to leave my dad, but how it was the best thing for us at the time. She expressed her sadness when we spent my first birthday away from my dad and her happiness, when I was 8, and she was pregnant with my little sister. She talked about how it was hard to see me growing up but how proud she was of all the things I was doing with my life. There were letters about my step-dad getting sick and finding out he had to have a lung transplant. It was the coolest thing I’ve ever experienced to see my life play out, in my mother’s words, for 18 years. All the letters said something different, but the uniting theme in all of them was her emphasis on how much she loved me and how important education is.
They are truly my most prized possession and I love having them. I fully intend to do the same for each of my children (God-willing I have some of those someday). I really am constantly in awe at how wonderful and insightful my mother is. 🙂
Sorry for the novel-of-a-comment. 🙂
Ben says
And, of course, if you don’t have an actual will in place, do so immediately!
Katie says
I write to both kids all of the time, both in a written journal I keep for both of them, and then of course in our family blog and my parenting after infertility/loss blog. I think that it’s such a beautiful idea. Before I had my c-section with Emma, I also did a video for Will. . . just in case. I also make sure to tell both of them, every single day, how proud I am of them, how wonderful I think they are, and how happy they make me.
@Kimberly: I went to your website and am honored to have read the story of Meghan and am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am going to ask my husband about securing the kids’ dressers tonight. Thank you for your courage. I just know your dedication and determination will save others your pain and heartache.
Claire says
One more thing – not as feel good as the letter and time capsule ideas everyone is sharing but… This reminded me that we are part way through the process of doing a real will, estate planning and guardianship plans for our family. Not a fun process at all, but like making an emergency kit https://www.wendysueswanson.com/prepare/, it is an important thing to have in place.
denise somsak says
We have a will and a special needs trust for our autistic child. He would never understand any letter we composed, but we hope our arrangements will keep him cared for, loved and safe. Maybe we could make a video?
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
I gotta get on this project. I haven’t done this for my kids (written them a journal of how I feel and how I experience them). I certainly write here on the blog, and have written a few other things down, but don’t write directly to them. These comments are proof this NEEDS to happen. I am going to try the Christmas/New Year letter each year to get started…wish me luck.
And, I am going to do a blog about living wills (the legal kind) as well, when time permits.
Thanks, all.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
@Katie,
Did you secure the dressers?
Tell us when you do. We’ll help hold you to it!
Katie says
Dr. S –
Turns out my husband had already done the securing. Guess when I was busy painting the nursery and picking the perfect bedding, he was busy making it safe. We make a good team!
Ellen says
When I graduated from high school, the gift I requested from my parents was letters. It was at a time that our family was fragile (my parents officially got divorced my senior year) and I think those letters helped me feel more stable as I went off to college. My mom gave me the letter on graduation day. Dad found the task much more difficult. I thought he had forgotten (and wasn’t going to remind him) but the letter came with a pre-finals care package the following December. I still love those two letters. I re-read them whenever I happen to open the file they are in and have parts memorized.
Susi says
I also write fairly regularly to my two little ones. I tried a journal at one point, 3X5 notecards that I stashed in an organizer, but the best system for has been keeping a google doc for each child. That way, if I have a break at work or I’m on vacation all I have to do is log on and add little tidbits to it – no need to carry something around or remember to put the card in the bin. My goal is to use those little stories/anecdotes to write a letter to each child each year on their birthday. I haven’t managed to get that far yet but hoping to have caught up soon. Nice to hear those who have received the gift of yearly letters cherish them so much. I know I would have!