I’m increasingly understanding that the busier I get, the more I find myself a little bit unhappy. This afternoon, I unscheduled the nanny in hopes that I would carve out 4 hours to be with my son O before I picked his brother up from school. He’s still sleeping as of now, so I remain tethered to the computer.
Despite the best of efforts, my son is having a marathon nap this afternoon, something I would normally be ecstatic about. But today, I’m not. I wanted to see him, play with him, have some time. But like we all know, parenting doesn’t work this way. Children don’t follow the script.
So here I remain, entirely plugged in. I’d had a nice conversation at the beginning of my day with an accomplished writer who was thinking of blogging for a cancer center. I gave her words of welcome, encouragement, excitement, and hopefulness for her proposed blog. At one point I said, “You’re the perfect person to do this!” (Because I believe this). But I still gave her warnings, too: this will consume you, eat you up, take over your mind. As any blogger (writer?) knows, the world becomes framed by your blog and every experience you have seems to vie for a possible leading role in your writing. I told her how I basically sleep with my iPhone (not kidding) and approve comments whenever I can and as quickly I can. It allows me to know exactly what’s going on on my blog and hopefully improves the readers’ experiences. But it comes at great cost. I’ve had a total of about one week entirely unplugged since I started this blog November of 2009. I really can’t remember what life was like before that time.
As O finished his nap, I read Lisa Belkin’s post about unplugging tonight. I commented and linked to a post I wrote when I was unintentionally unplugged for a day last summer. That good FORTUNE led to a surprise picnic with my sons, time away from work, time less distracted with my family, and of course no tragedies or disappointment from others on the work front.
Why is it I find it so hard to carve out time to disconnect? Why am I beholden to my phone, social media, the internet, Twitter, this very blog, my pager, and the messages I manage for the work I do? Is it my worry? Is this the so-called Helicopter parent/Helicopter blogger/Helicopter Pediatrician syndrome? I’m naming this, yes. But I don’t think I’m entirely alone…When I’m away from my kids, I always have my phone near, in case of emergency or if whoever is caring for them needs access to me immediately. Do you? This is security both for me when away and for them, I reason. But is it unusual and unnecessary pressure to put on myself? Have I done this alone? No one has asked that I have immediate access by phone.
Then I saw this: a $15 investment/insurance plan, this afternoon. I bought it. I wonder, do you think this was an utter waste of $15? I’m treating it like an insurance plan and gift to myself, my family, and friends. My kids…
No Twitter, you won’t be allowed in at certain points…This.starts.now. I’ll tell you how it goes.
What do you think? Do you ever truly unplug? Is your phone ever off when you’re away from your children? When you’re with your children? It’s good to unplug; I know this. I need to do a better job both away and with my kids. If you have any question, read this NYT series: Your Brain on Computers.
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Nicholas says
So true. The tether of technology soon turns into a habit with a short leash. Best solution I have found is to put some flexible restraints around connectivity (for the kids we call it screen time).
1. No screen time during meals
2. No screen time when putting kids to bed
3. One work week a year no screens (we go camping where their have not signal for 5 days). Getting hard to find these places!
Otherwise we model that screens are more important then family and teach ourselves that too.
Greg Smith MD says
Wendy
Lord only knows all of us who are doctors and also have families have struggled with this. I love my technology and being connected. I use a light app to see my way to bed when I get home at 1 AM and my iPhone alarm awakens me in the morning. I’m reading your blog and typing this comment on my iPad. I’ll start to work on my taxes on my MacBook tomorrow. It’s addictive and adaptive and ridiculous all at the same time.
I think we each have to carve out rules and timeouts and limits based on our own situations. You might like to read What Technology Wants if you haven’t already. It has an interesting take on the Technium and how it interacts with us.
Hang in, tune out, and shut off every once in a while. You’ll be okay.
Greg
Jennifer Shine Dyer MD, MPH says
I am in the exact same boat about being able to unplug and wondering why I just can’t seem to unplug all of the way. I was once asked if I am ‘addicted’ to stress which can be answered for anyone based on these few questions:
Do you wait until the very last minute right before a bill is due to pay it (even though you knew about it for several weeks prior)?
Do you get a rush from buying the very last 12-pack of diet coke on the grocery store shelf on Sunday night?
Do you feel ‘stressed’ on vacation because you don’t have enough stimulation or worries?
Do you RSVP yes to multiple invitations on the same night which attending all is virtually impossible to accomplish yet you manage to do so?
My answer is obviously yes to all of the above questions. Perhaps the ‘stress’ helps us cope with the conflict of trying to be so many things to so many people versus being ok with the imperfect selves that we actually are. Being alone with my thoughts is hard because of such ideas and ‘stress’ helps me to avoid theses ideas. Relaxing is hard!
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Thanks, all. Yes, Dr Smith, I will be okay and yes, technology is “addictive, adaptive, and ridiculous all at the same time.”
I adore what technology brings us, how it ultimately connects us to others in social media, including patients, family, old friends, how it allows for novel interventions…and then simultaneously abhor how technology keeps me constantly creating, responding, reading, absorbing, and learning.
We all need time to daydream. It’s how good brains work, right?
Need to make time to stare at the sky.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Dr Dyer,
YUP. Can answer yes to all but the “stress on vacation.” I love vacation and really do flourish when there is nothing to do but live, play, and enjoy each other. So maybe I’m not addicted to stress by this little test 🙂 Whew!!! hope for me yet.
Thanks for sharing you’re in a similar boat. Looking forward to seeing you next week in Austin!!
Alex@LateEnough says
I sleep with my iPhone, too. And I’ll turn off my phone and catch myself opening my laptop. Or thinking, “Oh look, my kids are busy, I should respond to that email!” and on it goes.
But if I can keep the phone off for an hour, it’s awesome and worth it.
I’m super important so I probably can’t do that too often.
Viki says
That used to be me – exactly 1 year ago. As I recall, you worked last weekend so you probably need to ease into your weekend. We have always had rules like Nicholas mentions: phones on silent (no vibrate!) during mealtimes, family time, or ‘dates’ (either out and about or watching a movie at home). I broke the last rule tonight. I was texting and msging with girlfriends while my husband and I were watching a movie. Had to really catch myself on that one!
When I was still working my phone wasn’t the problem. Yes I was always on email…but even when I curtailed my screen time (no weekends! Not till 9pm M-Th) the problem was that the things I worked on were always on my mind. Usually I enjoyed the background processing. It’s distracting from play though. I found it difficult to play Legos or trains when I always had stuff on my mind and that was a part of what led me to change things up. I think my work was contributing more stress than fun at that point.
I recently saw a National Geographic special on stress. They focused on a researcher who studies baboons. He found that baboons have coronary heart disease! All the baboons in the group have the same breeding and environment and diet. He found it was stress from social interactions that did it. Highly recommend the special. I recommend taking the steps necessary to de-stress, too.
Peggy Morgans says
$15 well spent? Every cell phone I have seen has an “off” button.
Katie says
LOL – I saw that on twitter! I was going to make you one. 🙂
Hope it helps you make the symbolic transition from “on” to “off”. You and your family deserve it.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Thanks, Katie. Yours would have been better! But I needed an insurance plan pronto, and although I’m entirely aware that there’s an off switch on my iPhone (per Peggy’s comment–expected this, btw), so far that hasn’t done much good. The silliness of a place for my phone to go, that the boys can grab and encourage me to use, was just too good…
Carrie says
Makes you realize what a different experience our parents had. Oftentimes away from home, away from the house phone. Maybe working out in the field. Maybe just at the store. Just not contactable. Lucky them in my opinion. I myself feel guilty if my cell phone is not on and close in case the kids need me. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Thank goodness for the yoga studio where cell phones are FORBIDDEN!
Gayle Schrier Smith MD says
By far… Your most authentic post yet, to touch the struggles of the NextGen parents. Your parenting journey will be as valuable to your patients as your medical wisdom. Keep writing during naptime. Unplug in the carpool pick-up line. You’ve got the profound value of the family meal down pat! (I wrote about that one way back when, remember?)
Mary says
wendy. just read your blog…you are in transition. and making difficult but important choices. Proud of you. If you really want to move away from the constant demands of SM….get a puppy. You will no longer have any empty moments and your children will love you for it. Puppy ness lasts about a year, but the love keeps on coming. And the SM is still there , just not number 1.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Thanks, Mary. I appreciate the support. And I agree; I’m in transition. Had a morning meeting today where we were talking about discipline with devices…that’s exactly what I need. The pull to contribute, to make change, to help–it’s feisty and strong–but can be overcome.
What needs to happen is we all (read: me) need to mature with our devices. Need to use them to help us create more time in nature and more time with those we love by leveraging digital tools to increase efficiency, not just work load. Being here at SXSW has provided lots of ideas for me. You’re likely to hear about some in the upcoming blog posts.
Jen B says
Mary, I had to laugh at your post above about getting a puppy. My dogs aren’t puppies anymore, but they get me to peel away from technology better than anything. It’s hard to type, text, read a screen, or do pretty much anything with a wagging licking dog in my lap.