I’ve self-prescribed a year of renewal, intent, intimacy, and reflection for 2013. Although I’m unable to etch those 4 words onto my forearm, I’d really like to keep them at the helm. Resolutions are exceedingly difficult to maintain. The bar is often too high, there’s little trigger to make a desired behavior happen every day, and the resolutions we choose typically demand profound change. I learned much of that from BJ Fogg and because I believe in his model, my 2013 resolution will have the aforementioned 4 prongs: renewal, intent, intimacy, and reflection.
This year, I’m easing into these resolutions by gradually making changes to how I work and how I live. I spent the end of 2012 bearing witness to our limited days on earth, reaping the bounty of commitment that family and friends give me, and sorting out my own role as a caregiver, writer, and advocate. However obvious it is that life is precious and limited, there are the rare instructive days in our lives that preach it to us. One for me unfolded in August.
Subsequently the end of 2012 necessitated a great deal of reflection. I’m just now ready to share it. This morning I deferred the actual start of the day–I poured an extra strong cup of coffee in a new porcelain cup, sent the kids flying down the stairs with that paper airplane, and opened up the New York Times Magazine, “The Lives They Lived” that I’ve been holding on to like Charlie’s bar of chocolate.
It was then that I ran across this little snippet about Ray Bradbury. A lesson on living, his life demonstrated how childish behavior may translate into a meaningful adulthood. He wrote an iconic book in short order on a borrowed typewriter and explained his success in wreckless terms. He said, “Every. Single. Moment. Every single moment of my life has been incredible. I’ve loved it, I’ve savored it, it’s been beautiful — because I’ve remained a boy.” It was good to be reminded yet again that’s it’s not only pain and suffering, ample time and meeting deadlines, or hard labor that produce good work. Rather, great work can emerge from boisterous dreaming, immature passion, and abounding adoration for the life we’re given however long or short it may be. It may be optimism that serves us best.
I do feel that I’ve earned a new understanding for optimism amidst the sandwich generation in which I live. See in August of 2012 I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. The phone call from the doctor took my breath away amidst a busy day seeing patients. Left trembling on the sidewalk outside the walls of my clinic, the unfolding adventure of 2 small surgeries, numerous follow-up visits, a second abnormal mole, complications, inaccessible medical records, and cancer survivorship began. It has unquestionably changed me forever.
I am renewed. I am more full of intent. I have had newfound intimacy with my children and family. My focus on what matters refreshed, I understand the need for time in reflection unlike before. Hardship, like optimism, does bring wisdom. It turns out, the terrifying experience of having an unwanted diagnosis has indeed left me with a pile of presents.
I am healthy today thanks to early detection, a ferocious doctor, a loving family, many meaningful friendships, and the freedom that comes with feeling healthy after a stumble. And the reason I share it here is not to spark dramatic flames or overshare—I share my diagnosis and unfolding survivorship here because I want to affirm publicly that I will continue to fight for improved health care, for the health of my patients, for my family’s wellbeing, and for myself with childish abandon. I dedicate energy to use what you share here to improve the lives of others. In 2013 I will also share more about what I’ve learned on this journey entrenched in the health care system, what I’ve discovered about the limits of doctoring in the midst of the incredible asset of medical knowledge, and the profound opportunity we have to save lives with the internet. I also mention this experience and resulting optimism because you, this online community, have sustained the optimist in me in ways I can scarcely articulate. My gratitude for you runs deep.
In 2013 I will devote more time for renewal, more time for honing intent, more time for intimacy with my children and family, and more time for reflection. And with this, I hope to do more than ever before. It’s obvious: we people, we parents, we caregivers, we partners — we have such a good shot at making things even better.
Footer
Sashka Rothchild says
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Happy Happy New Year.
Greg Matthews says
Wendy Sue, I’m so glad that I took the time to read this post through. Twice. I wanted to reflect on everything that’s written here, and the things that aren’t, too … And I want to let you know how much I appreciate the things you do as well as the way that you do them … your purpose, integrity and compassion shines through it all.
I’m sorry that you had to go through the experience of cancer. I can’t imagine what that must feel like, and how hard it must be to keep everything else in your life going at the same time. But I’m mostly glad for you that you have achieved this new perspective – and I look forward to seeing the benefit of your new insight in the work that you do this year and for years to come.
Gayle Schrier Smith, MD says
There are doctors who will change medicine forever by the way they live, practice and believe in the power of healing. You are one of those doctors.
I wrote this DrDownload piece awhile back…for each of us. It’s titled Dear Sixteen Year Old Me. I now have another doctor friend for whom I can dedicate the article.
You can read and watch the video clip here –>
https://www.partnersinpediatrics.info/doctor-download/123-dear-sixteen-year-old-me.html
I am glad you were willing to write about the journey, and we will all continue to learn from you in the coming pieces if you are willing to teach us with your stories. There is no greater gift than to teach and heal.
Susannah Fox says
As always, you inspire me with your words and your actions. I read this beautiful essay and then went straight out for a walk with one of my kids. Now I’m reading it again, with appreciation.
Dr_som says
Sorry to hear about your cancer. It takes courage to put yourself online and be vulnerable with really no compensation other than hoping that the knowledge you share may help someone else. The health care system seems to me an insurmountable behemoth. I can only focus on my own little corner. Glad compassionate docs like you have an eye on the big picture.
Dave Chase says
Great post (nothing new)! We appreciate the gift you bring to the community of us trying to make the healthcare system all it can be. Your reflections and perspective have a big ripple effect. Thanks!
Bob West says
Praying for you, Mama!
Roheet Kakaday says
Dr. Swanson,
I think this is my third time reading this? I am ecstatic that you not only emerged through this trial positively, but in a way that inspired you to do better for others as well. We hear a lot about patients who harness their positivity to endure and conquer their illness. Their story and spirit is to be applauded, no doubt. But when they turn around and propagate that positivity to propel others forward (as you have)? That’s a step above and beyond. I hope you inspire others to do the same!
I wish you all the best in 2013 and beyond.
The new-blogger-on-the-block,
Roheet
Juliana Genova says
Beautiful essay, thank you!
Why do we have always to be reminded of the most obvious and essential things? Why do we forget who we are… the same boys or girls we were not long ago..
Wish you a happy and healthy 2013!
Brian Matthys DO says
Thank you for sharing your story. There is no room for modesty in the exam room and that is proven by your melanoma detection. It is a touching recount on how a diagnosis changes lives. Sometimes the best thing for a doctor is to be the patient. Thank you again and happy new year.
Emily Gibson M.D. says
Wendy,
your courage in sharing online and in public your journey with early detection and treatment of malignant melanoma will save other lives, no question. You are doing an immeasurable service for others.
But clearly, this experience has changed you in ways that you have begun to articulate for us all. Your readers/viewers gain from your perspective and ability to help change the world post by post, tweet by tweet.
Most of all, your observations about the Bradbury approach to the sweetness of every moment of life helps our younger patients to grasp tightly to the privilege they are given to be alive every day, even through the hardest of times. The epidemic I see daily in my college health practice is an epidemic of hopelessness, discouragement and tossing away the gift of a healthy body through self destructive behaviors and suicide attempts. Our adolescents and young adults are suffering a profound deficiency of resiliency and child-like joy in.every.moment given to them.
Your message is powerful medicine. Sing it loudly!
Emily
Carolyn says
This is Brene Brown-style vulnerability, Wendy Sue. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
And you are AMAZING and inspiring. Always.
Thank you for this post.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
This was an amazing talk. Just watched it. Remember how I pledged to use what you share here to improve the lives of others? Will do my best and blog about this ridiculously inspiring and hopeful talk.
This certainly will change how I parent. WORTHINESS.
More to come. Thanks for sharing it here, Carolyn.
AP Mommy says
You take such great care of my two children, I am so thankful that you have great doctors to take care of you. I’m thankful to hear that you’re on the upswing and even more happy to hear of the impact and reflection on life this snag in road has allowed. May 2013 be wonderful in many expected and unexpected ways.
lucien says
Dear Wendy,
How your way of writing things down makes things clear, as ever, proves this post again. Thank you for that, thank you also for your devotion to change healthcare in a compassionated way. No doubt that this event, that luckily turned out fine, will strengthen your ambition and drive to it.
hope to see you soon.
Warm Dutch regards,
Lucien (@lucienengelen)
Roni Zeiger says
Wendy Sue, you’ve made today’s moments dance, and I’ll continue to look for reminders from you.
With gratitude and respect,
Roni
Alexandra Drane says
Impossible for most of us who already think of you as the most present, the most aware, the most empathetic…to imagine you being even more so. Yes – “Every. Single. Moment. Every single moment of my life has been incredible. I’ve loved it, I’ve savored it, it’s been beautiful — because I’ve remained a boy.” Wendy Sue – you have always reminded us to celebrate humanity, to celebrate the very essence of being a human…thank you for reminding us now to bring that focus down to celebrating this very moment. I don’t believe that things happen for a reason – I think some people live their lives with such intention that looking back, each event clearly played a role in the good place they have arrived now…. So too will this event clearly be for you. And, because of your generosity and bravery in sharing it, so too will it be for us. I’m taking a page from Susannah’s book – shutting down my computer and dedicating the rest of this day to glee. Sending you big love, sister. Alex
Kathy Mackey says
I remember finding you with your very first post. You have a precious gift. Thank you for sharing it generously so others may be inspired and have hope.
Jody Schoger says
I am so grateful to you and the beauty that shines through all you do.
I’ve walked the melanoma hallways with my husband. We do survivorship and the ongoing challenges it presents and – I’d put this in italics if I could – we are glad to do so. It’s up to us to create meaning from the things that happen as you have so poignantly learned and state.
And thanks to early detection and a “ferocious doctor.”
Hugs,
Jody
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thank you for all of these comments and observations. I am so thankful for you all.
Liza Bernstein says
Dear Wendy Sue,
Thank you for this beautiful post. It resonates in many ways. I agree that this self-created online community of ours fosters optimism.
I am so happy you have a ferocious doctor!
Looking forward to hearing more from you,
Warmest wishes,
Liza
Yoo-Lee Yea says
Thank you very much for your wise words. May 2013 be fantastic, every single moment!
Maureen says
Thank you for sharing. Congrats on being a malignant melanoma survivor!