Life is a blur this week. But something stopped me in my tracks. A study published in Pediatrics on Monday found that 65% of parents to 3 year-olds said they had spanked their child within the last month. Sixty five percent? The number surprised me. If you’d asked me to guess, I would have said 20-25%. Talk about way off. Another reminder of how much I have to learn.
The study evaluated risk factors, including domestic violence and intimate partner aggression & violence, on spanking and corporal punishment. The researchers are trying to understand/describe that while most child advocacy groups condemn spanking, in the US, the reality remains that nearly 2/3 of families continue to use spanking as a form of discipline. They found that parents who experienced aggression and violence between each other were twice as likely to be in the group that spanked their children. Having been spanked as a child increased the odds, too. Not surprising.
But the 65%; that was surprising.
I don’t talk about spanking in clinic (I can’t think of a time I did); no one asks my opinion about it. I talk about setting limits, behavior, tantrums, obedience, discipline, but no one asks me about spanking. I wonder, do parents feel it’s taboo? Do they feel I would judge them?
My position on spanking may be irrelevant, really. What I say as one mother or pediatrician doesn’t change the reality that more than half of the parents in this study are spanking children. I’ve always thought of spanking as illogical. If I’m trying to model behavior against aggression, why would I hit my child modeling just the opposite? But I’ll tell you this: I was spanked as a child and I certainly remember it. Clarity in fear. Further, there have been moments of desperation (think: major-tantrum-melt-down-disaster-ness) where I thought about it, too. So, I think the instinct to spank (particularly when you’ve seen it, or experienced it) in a moment of utter overwhelm may be the norm when raising kids. But 1/3 of us choose not to spank,and about 2/3 of us choose to spank our children. Why?
What pediatricians ultimately need to figure out for families is how to help parents improve their lives with their children. We need to support families in times of frustrations. Groups like the AAP discourage using spanking or corporal punishment of any kind. But their statement may not make much of a difference.
So I wonder, does 65% surprise you? Do you spank your children? Do you think it works? Do you feel spanking is corporal punishment? If you don’t spank your child, why not? So curious. Please share, even anonymously if need be.
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Carrie says
I’ve tried spanking my preschooler in the past as a method of discipline. Pre-planned and carefully executed. The result? She started hitting me back. Needless to say, I moved on to less violent methods….
HereWeGoAJen says
No spanking at all. In fact, I try not to even raise my voice (I mostly succeed at that, but it took practice). If I want her to do something (or not do something), I have to do it myself (or not do it). In fact, I wrote about this a while ago. Here: https://herewegoajen.com/?p=110 and here: https://herewegoajen.com/?p=113. Oh, and wait, here too: https://herewegoajen.com/?p=314 Apparently this is a subject I feel quite strongly about.
Colleen says
I too was shocked when I saw the stat about the percentage of parents who spank their children. I have not spanked my children – fundamentally I don’t agree with hitting/spanking and don’t believe it fosters the type of relationship I want to have with my kids. Although as you mention in your post, there have been times in the heat of the moment, when I have thought about it.
I am curious if the percentage of parents that spank is decreasing as compared with prior generations.
Viki says
Sure, spanking is corporal punishment. Corporal pertains to the body. Spanking is delivered as a consequence for undesired behavior, so I’d describe it as punishment. I don’t mind calling it that. And, yes, I have used spanking to discipline my child. Spanking when you are angry, overwhelmed, or otherwise feeling intense emotion isn’t a good idea because you are demonstrating that you are expressing emotion through the physical action. Where I have used it is when I needed to create an immediate consequence for a behavior and a natural consequence approach didn’t work. E.g, when my older child turned 3, my younger child started sitting up. She used opportunities when the supervising adult looked away to kick the baby on his back. She’d say, “oh no! he just fell!” We believed her until we noticed the baby rarely fell when big sis wasn’t around. Then we staked her out and intercepted her. Time outs, setting boundaries, etc didn’t work. A swat on the butt delivered immediately after the infraction did work in a “taste of your own medicine” sort of way. It wasn’t the pain, because I used the same amount of force in wrestling or horsing around. It’s an insult to the pride.
I didn’t feel guilty for spanking but I did feel like I treated a symptom but wasn’t addressing the cause of my daughter’s behavior. I was spanked as a child, and I remember the day I turned to my (shocked) mother and said “I’m not going to let you hit me anymore. I’m not afraid of you.” She really had to reach for other tools to relate to me. Overall, I realized that I didn’t want to use punitive measures in general. I don’t see timeouts any better than shouting or spanking. When you are scaring, isolating, shaming, or otherwise taking a punitive tone with your child, you are controlling them in the moment but not teaching them self control in the longer term.
What worked for our family was to take a larger step to change our dynamic. We started reading books and attended lectures about positive discipline. We found that the non-punitive method worked almost immediately. It did mean that we, as parents, had to change our behavior to model what we wanted our kids to do. It takes more commitment than implementing the latest “naughty step” technique from Super Nanny. Check out https://www.positivediscipline.com/
Jennifer says
Darn! I”m sorry to hear so many kids are getting spanked. I, too, have been tempted when I have been at my wit’s end. But I have not done it with my two sons. I have never regretted having NOT spanked them, but I am sure I would regret it if I did. The tricky part is finding another equally dramatic consequence to behavior that you want to stop NOW. I suppose it has made me a better problem solver and a better user of proactive efforts to teach my kids to behave and mind the rules, but man, it’s a lot of work! I think the fact that I have a husband who is not a spanker and good family support makes it easier to find the alternatives.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Thanks for the comments!
Jennifer, I really like what you said about never regretting that you didn’t spank the kids. It’s a good point even though it sounds a little like how you plan for a disaster or become a boy scout 🙂 (You’ll never regret you spent time making a plan).
Viki’s ideas have stuck with me as well–the sense that you’re scaring/isolating/shaming your child whenever you take a punitive tone/do a time out/shout, etc. It’s a meaty perspective and one I will think about. I’ve never thought to put time-outs in the same shopping bag as spanking. We have done time outs in our house but they never seem to carry the effect I want (ie behavior change). Rather, even with F at age 3 1/2, sometimes I think the tim e out works as form of reinforcement, so I have steered clear of them more and more.
And, HereWeGoAJen, I enjoyed the posts you have on your blog about slapping/discipline. I witness distracted parenting in the clinic all the time (!!!) (parents on the phone, grandmas diverted, dads/moms texting during visits) and it’s often in those moments that hitting and slapping occur when an attention-seeking toddler needs them/wants them and the parents don’t even realize how they have tuned out the child. Often I feel, those parents (caregivers) don’t mean to hit/slap but in their distraction and overwhelm, don’t even notice that is the choice they’ve made. And thus, a pattern is made…
Chrissy says
No spanking here, for much the same reason as you mention in your post. I am trying to teach my child not to hit, spit, kick or use aggressive behavior against others. Why would I then intentionally hit him as a means of teaching a lesson? I don’t have a moral opposition to spanking, per se, but I don’t feel that his thought process is sophisticated enough to discern the difference between him hitting a child on the playground or me hitting him because he is throwing a tantrum. The hitting in both instances is born out of frustration of some sort, and I want him to be able to deal with frustration in a constructive manner, so shouldn’t I try to as well?
I grew up in a strict asian household, and in times of poor behavior, we (4 siblings) were made to kneel and face the wall. When we couldn’t use nice words or speak civilly at the dinner table, we would take turns reading from the encyclopedia instead. We were not hit as children. There are ways to discipline kids without hitting.
samara berlin says
I was spanked as a child and I clearly remember the hurt, fear and confusion. I was not beaten, just spanked with my mom’s hand over my clothes. One of my earliest memories is being in the bathroom putting lotion on my butt thinking that might make it feel better. Even as an adult thinking about it brings tears to my eye’s, I wish I could protect that little girl. Funny thing is I don’t remember anything that I was spanked for, just the spanking itself. It surprises and saddens me to hear that so many people are spanking their own children. Parenting can be really hard and children can sure push us to our limits. Wish everyone was able to find, what I would consider, more effective means of behavior modification. As always, thanks for the blog!
PDeverit says
“The most positive social changes around the world have followed mass improvements in the way children are treated.”
Robin Grille, author of Parenting for a Peaceful World, 2005.
“If we really want a peaceful and compassionate world, we need to build communities of trust where all children are respected, where home and school are safe places to be and where discipline is taught by example.”
Desmond M. Tutu, Archbishop Emeritus, Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children, 2006.
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak
https://nospank.net/pt2010.pdf
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson
https://nospank.net/sdsc2.pdf
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
https://nospank.net/taylor.htm
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
Thank you for those inspiring and absolutely telling quotes.
I have been thinking about this post ever since I wrote it. Thinking about children who are hit. And this gave me such force to understand more and fight for justice.
Thanks.
Many other nice quotes found in the Plain Talk about Spanking link you provided, too.
Kathy Early says
I too was spanked as a child, although I was an “easy” child and only remember 1 actual spanking (I also cannot recall the reason for the spanking). My mom was fond of the “swat” though, especially for my harder-headed sister. And like so many children of the 70’s and 80’s, I feel like I’m a well-adjusted, non-violent adult. My husband was also spanked, including with a belt on occasion. I am also shocked at the number of parents these days (including friends and family members expecting their first babies any day now) who profess the need for spanking, swatting, slapping, smacking, and the other variety of names people use for it.
However, I feel like we are in a minority of today’s parents who grew up with spanking, yet we choose to not use any physical means of punishment, and try very hard to model good temperament management, and how to resolve problems constructively and calmly.
We’ve been very successful disciplining our kids without hitting or use of violent means. It saddens me that more parents aren’t willing to try and forgo these outdated practices, and thank you for talking about it.
Katie says
Before I was a parent, I thought I would NEVER spank, due to the same reason that you cite. It always seemed wrong to use violence to teach against violence.
I have never spanked Will, but now that I am a parent, I can understand where spanking comes from. There are only so many tools at our disposal when it comes to disciplining young children. When your means of discipline fail, you start looking around to see what others are doing. And a lot of parents spank. When your child starts to misbehave and timeouts and stern warnings don’t seem to make much of a difference, it becomes tempting to try something else that might work.
Now that Will is two, I can begin to compare and contrast my parenting (no hitting or spanking) with others and I am finding that all children act out. . . those that have been spanked and those that have not. What seems to make the most difference is choosing a method and being consistent with it. Spanking isn’t something that I feel comfortable with as a parent. I don’t like the message it sends or the way it makes me feel to just think about striking one of my children.
I think it would be great if you could do a blog article on other ways of disciplining our children, perhaps broken out by age range (12 – 18 months for example) or even specific behaviors (how to handle tantrums, biting, etc.). I don’t think that anyone says to themselves, “Gee, I’d love to spank my kids.” I think most of it is borne from frustrations and not knowing what to do. Extra tools in the arsenal are always appreciated.
John says
I would take an alternate viewpoint. I am thankful that 65% of parent still use spanking as a tool to raise children. I wish it were higher. I have grave doubts about the ability of researchers to even accurately measure how much or how children are spanked in the home. And these research models cannot establish causality but only association. In a behavioral model as complex and dynamic as family life, I think there are way too many variables to try to link adult behavior (which I also doubt you can measure accurately) with self reported behavior of parents.
HOW spanking is used is a great big variable and is what parents ought to think carefully about.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD says
John, while I understand your sentiment about the validity of self-reporting for adult behaviors in the complex space of family life, I don’t think I entirely understand the rest of your comment.
You want more children to be spanked? Why?
Why would that be better for children and families?
If you question the nature, or rather, the validity of the research and the assertion of the research to explain causality, why would you want more parents to use spanking as a form of discipline? The two points don’t seem connected.
Here’s an excerpt from the Introduction of the study stating why spanking & corporal punishment( CP) is not in the best interest of children:
“CP has been linked with many poor outcomes
for children, including poorer mental
health and parent– child relationships
and increased aggressive behavior,
with the latter being true even after
controlling for other parenting risks
and the child’s initial level of aggression.
CP also is associated with increased
odds of child maltreatment,
particularly child physical abuse.”
Liz says
I spank similar to my own childhood. Barely bottom over knee with wooden spoon. I draw the line at bruises. Only red butts. I don’t know I’m a good person and so are my kids and siblings.
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom) says
Wow! I’m really surprised by that number too. I would have guessed around 20% as well. I don’t like it. I hate to put it so bluntly but I think it’s an easy way out, an angry way to discipline your child. I’m with you about modeling behavior. It may work b/c of the fear factor but does it encourage mutual respect and self-confidence…in my opinion, no. I really wish parents would think twice before swatting or spanking a child to correct an unwanted behavior. What an eye opener, thank you.
Soo says
I think what’s telling about this survey is that parents were answering this question in an honest manner because they did not worry about the judgement and lecturing that could follow. Even if it was a “one-time butt swat” in a moment of weakness, some women must feel so reluctant to talk about it. Even if they feel terribly guilty, imagine how they must feel hearing from other moms that “I would never do that” and “that will damage your child”. To be honest, reading the posts above might be enough to make me reluctant to ever talk about it with other moms.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the posts that spanking is something that should be avoided…I just feel sad for the moms who are being judged.
John says
Dr. Swanson, I very much appreciate you taking the time to respond to my blog. Since we are in a world defined by terms, let’s be clear on terms. By “spanking” I do not mean “punching”, “hitting”, “abusing”, “battering”, “pounding” or “whipping”. By “spanking”, I mean one or a few slaps with the palm of the hand across the clothed buttocks. And obviously spanking should not be a routine part of daily parenting. But I would like to see more judicious and careful use of spanking of age appropriate children because I believe it works, I have seen it work and I know of countless people who also have been both recipients and practitioners or corporeal punishment who believe the same. Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child has, for 2700 years or so been considered part of collective human wisdom for a reason. If we were to, as a civilization, produce more disciplined people, we would all be better off. Evidence of the disintegration of civility and discipline in our culture is as far away as the nearest playground, newspaper, concert, ballgame or the news. One wonders if some of this is related to the declining use of corporal punishement. But of course, this could not be proven at all, just as your submission that use of corporeal punishment somehow produces more violent children and adults. Of course, if a child is “beaten” regularly, the results willl be predictably disastrous. But to suggest that all spanking is bad and should be abolished seems to me to be: 1) an over reach of the social science community to think they have this figured out based on multiple logistic regression modeling using self reported survey data (a model which, of course, can never really be proven or disproven experimentally and has no ability to prove causation, 2) an intrusion into the timeless rights of parents to raise their children as they see fit. If children are abused, that is another matter, but you have no grounds, in my view, to suggest that careful spanking of children is abuse.
I do not doubt your passion and advocacy for children, which we need much more of. And I support your willingness to advocate for what you think is best. But I find it interesting that the burden of proof has suddenly been placed on me. Yet you and your social science colleagues are the ones proposing an intervention, e.g. advocating a change. As such the burden of proof is not on me, but on you. Obviously I am not as steeped in this literature as yourself, but I do have some skills at evaluating the rigor of scientific reasoning and research design, and I found occasional paper I read on this subject to generally be attempting to measure association between events in childhood and behaviors in adulthood. Scientific Truth is not arrived at through consensus nor survey. And I have grave doubts about the entire research model of logistic modeling and what can be proven by it. Since Dr. Spock first offered his own personal views on this matter it seems we have been in a long pursuit to prove him right. I am not dissuaded by the apparent volume of literature on this subject. There were vast volumes of literature on a wide range of deeply held scientific views in the past that turned out not to be true. I am curious about dissent. Is there dissent within the social science community regarding spanking?
john says
65 % OF PARENTS SPANK THEIR KIDS?
Wow. TOO BIG a number. I am sorry to hear that. and hope it will decrease each year by at least 1 or even 0.1%. 0.1% Is also a big change. Well maybe not a big change….But sooner or later…it will make a difference. GOD BLESS Those parents who don’t hit their kids.
Anda says
Spanking, even by parents, has actually become illegal in most western countries.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_punishment_in_the_home#Where_corporal_punishment_in_the_home_is_outlawed
The US is one of the very few countries where it is still allowed.
Haroun Maurer says
Me and my sister got plenty of spankings as kids. And it never did us any harm. Some children just need a good few stings to the backside.