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Someone mentioned recently that I was potentially a Tiger Mom. That’s when I realized we have a Lion Dad situation around here.
So many of us now “co-parent” our children. We share the responsibilities of raising children with our spouse or partner. Although co-parenting usually describes parents separated or divorced who take turns raising children, I think “co-parenting” describes many of us living together while raising children, too. In our home everything from feeding to toilet training, preschool pick-ups to soccer sign-up, and bathing to bedtime routines are divided and diced. The dance is typically elaborate and often it can be very messy. Sometimes it makes no sense how we split the tasks and of course sometimes we mess up– both forgetting something that needs to be done. I often feel like we’re always the last ones signing up for parent conference or preschool home visits–we just aren’t entirely always on top of our game! I know you know what I mean—so many of us divvy up the tasks necessary in raising children these days I’d suggest this co-parenting is just a part of modern parenting. A tango of sorts.
So it’s awkward at times that women, particularly those of us who work outside the home, are the key go-to or point person for outside institutions, families, and sports teams when someone tries to reach in and coordinate with us. I often feel the world is behind the times.
On The Tiger Mom Or The Lion Dad
I sometimes get credit for things my husband does (finding the correct shin guards, remembering to practice spelling words, or organizing the play date). I’m certain this goes both ways. I think a good partnership is one where we can trade off on the heavy lifting and function in partnership. Yet I can’t help feeling judged when it’s not me at a certain activity. I do think culturally we expect mothers to be present more than we expect fathers in our childrens’ activities. I don’t think men typically describe feeling judged in this way but I hear my women friends say this repeatedly when missing out on an activity. I think in 2013 it’s still a challenge for women to be committed to our children and committed to work and feel good about it.
So it’s funny that I’d get the “credit” for our over-enrolled son. Recently at a sporting event I was lamenting the realities of our very busy first-grader. Although he’s holding up well and delighted to be busy this fall (or over-subscribed/over-enrolled), I am always angling to downshift and have less extracurricular activities for him. I really believe in the value of unstructured play. “He’s only 6 for heavens sake,” I say. I’ve wanted to restrict activities this fall to one sport and one other activity outside of school. Our six year-old, on the other hand was interested in more (soccer, running team, tennis, etc). My husband is a good listener and got him all signed up for everything.
So while on the sideline when mentioning my overwhelm with his 2 soccer teams, his school cross-country team, and his recent enrollment in piano lessons, another parent voiced up, “You’re such a Tiger Mom.” And that’s when I realized that we’ve got much more of a Lion Dad situation around here. I’ve thought more and more about my own parenting style over the past few years and I do know one thing: as I said back in 2011, I’m no Tiger Mom.
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Anyone else living with a Lion Dad? Who does the pushing for more and more activities in your family? And really, just what do you think really constitutes over-enrolled for young children? I’m of the mind that it’s highly individual depending on a child’s response to their setting and opportunities but would love to hear your thoughts. Really like how Kids’ Health says it:
Will you have time to eat, sleep, and relax? Everyone needs downtime. If an activity adds lots of stress to your life, it’s not for you
Mary Peck says
Hi Wendy! It’s a tough balance for sure. We’re juggling swimming lessons, dance, music and First Grade. It seems like enough/too much/not enough when there are so many fun things out there, varied interests and homework every night. I suppose the final gut check was this morning’s impromptu after school play date invitation and -yay!- we had nothing planned and could say yes. The girls were thrilled and promised to do their homework together first. Keep up the great work! I love reading your posts.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thanks, Mary. I think what you share is the beauty of spontaneity. I love when a last minute option is an option.
Really like the lovely things in life that just happen upon us. If entirely over-scheduled it’s an impossibility. Enjoy the after school play!!
Kelly says
I’m in a later stage than you are now. My two boys are 12 and 14; 8th and 9th grade. We have tried to keep it to one ongoing sport (taekwondo/soccer/swimming) and one seasonal sport each. And that makes it crazy enough. Soccer becomes really demanding as they age. Then add in high school sports and it’s overwhelming. My freshman is currently doing varsity cross country and is a talented runner, but it’s 5-6 days a week. Soccer is 2 nights a week and games on the weekend. Then lets remember homework. Yes, he’s got too much on his plate. But part of being a teen is making choices and honing skills. And colleges are interested in the “whole person” as an applicant so diverse experiences count. We will continue to do our best to manage it. Perhaps downtime comes in chunks of time between sport seasons?
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Kelly, I agree that downtime is essential and also that learning how to make choices is, too. It is a tricky balance and I would assume an ever-moving target. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here
Michael Milobsky MD says
This has always been a bit of a pet-issue for me. I often see children being pushed by a parent in an inappropriate way in order for the parent to live out some unfulfilled sports dream. Often the child is burdened with being responsible for the happiness of the parent who lives and dies with the success of the child in whatever sport(s). On the other side, I see many active and well adjusted kids who simply love what they are doing and the parents are just along for the ride.
The line between what is ok and too much depends on the family context. In my own experience with a household of 7 children and 2 working parents, no activity is possible unless transportation responsibility can be shared with at least 1 other family. I don’t think my kids are deprived or lacking in any big opportunities and parental sanity is also a valuable commodity.
I also value the benefits of unstructured play. One of my favorite quotes on the subject is from comedian George Carlin. His routine is lamenting the lost art of kids entertaining themselves sometimes. There is nothing wrong with: “Your kid can sit in the front yard with a stick. And he can take the stick, and dig a hole. Then he looks at the stick, and he looks at the hole, and he has a little fun.”
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Agree, Dr Milobsky. I see the same in clinic sometimes — that living vicariously th. I oftne observe it in teens (over-intense coaching parents)
Last year while at a neighborhood party a father of 4 and I were talking. I’d just been at a Kindergarten soccer game where one father yelled, “Revenge, Revenge” to his daughter after she’d fallen while he encouraged her to get more intense. KINDERGARTEN SOCCER. At this party the father shared with me advice he’d received from a coaching expert up in Bellingham, WA — that there are 3 roles in sports: 1) athlete 2) coach 3) parent –and that every parent should know there was only 1 role to take. He ended by sharing a quote I’ve now seen cycling around online recently. It’s something I FEEL and share with my son at every practice and game I get to observe:
“I just love to watch you play.”
That’s what our kids want to hear. And the easy part is it’s so true and easy to say.
Viki says
My daughter has something after school 3 days per week. She has amazing stamina and is ready for piano, ballet or soccer after a full day of school. Then she asked if she can rejoin foreign language before school and I had to say no. Her schedule wouldn’t change, and an hour of Spanish isn’t so taxing. But that hour in the morning was the ONLY hour that wasn’t scheduled to school, activity, dinner, homework. The person who cared most was her brother. He just said, if you leave for school early, I won’t see you or get to play with you. Huge expense I hadn’t considered. If they are both busy them their lives sort of run in parallel and when they see each other on busy days, it’s as spectators at each other’s events or in the car. It’s an unexpected delight, on those busy days, when I hear them wake up and scramble to the playroom to build Legos before breakfast.
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Great point.
Legos before breakfast are a theme around here too– although great for brothers and entirely delightful to witness (as you point out) they are terrible for the AM timeline 🙂
Megan Wellings says
I really enjoyed reading both the article and the comments this morning. My daughter is four and will start kindergarten next year. I am trying to enjoy the unstructured time I have with her because I sense that things will change soon. I am an introverted mother and she is an extroverted kid. She challenges me and I challenge her.
I do love your blog! It is always insightful. I was talking with other caregivers in our preschool coop about BPOD that we do every night. I told them that I read it from your blog! 🙂
Wendy Sue Swanson, MD, MBE says
Thank you, Megan!